Totally inexperienced

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Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 01:59

Hey,

So I'm 20 and I've never had sex or been in a relationship of any kind. I've had anxiety my whole life, but I feel so insecure about this and I have no idea how to find a boyfriend or whether or not someone would ever want to have sex with me, even on a casual basis.

At the moment I'm completely alone with no friends due to my depression overtaking me over the last few years, but I am fighting this now and don't want to get into my mid-late 20s with no experience whatsoever.

Is there anything I can do about this?

Thank you :keke:
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Nick2266 » 20 September 2018, 02:05

You can go to a local bath house. Some are bi and some are gay only.

Sometimes the best way to get into it is just go there and let someone teach you slowly. Everyone remembers their first time and the uncertainty

If you go it will get you over the fear of finding the right “partner”. They only go there to have sex and you can always say yes or no. And not fear your coworkers or friends finding out.

Here in Canada it’s $20 to get in and there’s a hot tub a shower room. And a theme room. You get a privet room but could open the door if you want people watching or walking in to join the fun
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 12:37

Nick2266 wrote:You can go to a local bath house. Some are bi and some are gay only.

Sometimes the best way to get into it is just go there and let someone teach you slowly. Everyone remembers their first time and the uncertainty

If you go it will get you over the fear of finding the right “partner”. They only go there to have sex and you can always say yes or no. And not fear your coworkers or friends finding out.

Here in Canada it’s $20 to get in and there’s a hot tub a shower room. And a theme room. You get a privet room but could open the door if you want people watching or walking in to join the fun


Thanks for the reply :keke:

Maybe, I'm not sure there's any near where I live though. I have access to a car though and there's always public transport, so I could maybe find somewhere a bit further afield. Are these places safe?

Is there anything else I could try too? I've thought about online dating sites but I'm way too shy. Same with apps like Grindr. It doesn't help that I live at home.

I'm also kinda worried that people won't find me attractive enough. I'm not tall or especially fit, I'm just worried the older I get the less people will want to be with me either casually or romantically.
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Marmaduke » 20 September 2018, 13:45

Do you actually want a casual encounter? Or do you feel like it’s something you should want?
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 14:06

Marmaduke wrote:Do you actually want a casual encounter? Or do you feel like it’s something you should want?


I'm actually not sure. I kind of do? I don't think it's something I particularly should want on the one hand, but I'm a bit nervous about it as well. Maybe this is like a quarter-life crisis or something. I am kind of curious about being with someone else. I really don't know though =/
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby CrimsonHeart » 20 September 2018, 16:48

I would say not to stress so much about it and let it come naturally. You should put yourself out there though, dating websites and apps maybe? You could find friends there and who knows....maybe other things along the way ;)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 20 September 2018, 17:00

It's actually more common than you'd think, especially with gay people. I wasn't that experienced at 20 myself, so don't worry about it.

When I lost my virginity I was with a much more experienced guy, but he was really good about it, he made me feel so comfortable, and so did other guys after him who I told that I wasn't that experienced. I'm sure most guys wouldn't be horrible about it, even if they might think it's a bit unusual.

Just make sure you go into everything safely. If you get talking to a guy online and he's giving you red flags, you are probably right to feel that way and should avoid meeting him.
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 18:33

CrimsonHeart wrote:I would say not to stress so much about it and let it come naturally. You should put yourself out there though, dating websites and apps maybe? You could find friends there and who knows....maybe other things along the way ;)


Maybe. Thanks for the advice :keke:
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 18:38

Yeauxleaux wrote:It's actually more common than you'd think, especially with gay people. I wasn't that experienced at 20 myself, so don't worry about it.

When I lost my virginity I was with a much more experienced guy, but he was really good about it, he made me feel so comfortable, and so did other guys after him who I told that I wasn't that experienced. I'm sure most guys wouldn't be horrible about it, even if they might think it's a bit unusual.

Just make sure you go into everything safely. If you get talking to a guy online and he's giving you red flags, you are probably right to feel that way and should avoid meeting him.


Thanks, that's good to hear.

That's the thing though, I am worried it's pretty unusual. I feel like I'm too old to start this stuff now, I should have been at this stage when I was a teenager. Even if the guy I was with was ok with it, I'd always feel uncomfortable about it. I don't know how to get over that. Unless I am reading too much into it? It's just there seems to be a difference between not much experience and no experience, I'm so insecure about it. I really do appreciate your response though, it's made me feel a bit better.

And thank you. I've spoken to guys online a bit before, I'm not 100% sure what all the red flags are but I'm a pretty cautious person and I hope I have a certain amount of common sense.

Thanks again :)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby homomorphism » 20 September 2018, 22:51

It'll just end in heartbreak eventually anyway :pfft:

If I weren't in such a curmudgeony mood -- you basically have control over your anxiety and whether or not you let it dominate your life and keep you from enjoying things, even if you find that control ends up meaning that you need to seek medication to deal with it.

If you don't, you're just going to get increasingly older and depressed over not having experienced the things you think you ought to.
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 20 September 2018, 23:16

homomorphism wrote:It'll just end in heartbreak eventually anyway :pfft:

If I weren't in such a curmudgeony mood -- you basically have control over your anxiety and whether or not you let it dominate your life and keep you from enjoying things, even if you find that control ends up meaning that you need to seek medication to deal with it.

If you don't, you're just going to get increasingly older and depressed over not having experienced the things you think you ought to.


True :keke:

I would disagree with the idea I should've had more control over my anxiety in the past as it's a diagnosed illness on my part, but I get what you're saying. I'm on medication at the moment.

And yep, the older and depressed part is true too! I'm already there. All I can do is keep limping along at the moment; the only way is up as they say, whether that be good or bad. I don't have any control over the past, as much as I'd like to.
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby PopTart » 21 September 2018, 15:18

Oh honey, you aint old!

Neither am I, but I get where you're coming from. :lol:

I think figuring out if your anxiety over this issue is coming from either A: you feeling like you ought to be doing something that you aren't or B: It's something you really want but are afraid of getting past that first hurdle.

WIth all due respect to Nick2266, I wouldn't recommend your first time being at a bath house! Nothing wrong with such places (well there are things I find distasteful about them but thats just my opinion) nor with those that go to them. But I think, your first time should at the very least, be with someone who you can build some semblence of connection with, to help you feel comfortable and communicate with.

You can certainly try apps and dating sites, just be mindful that not everyone is quite as they seem online, in RL. Take your time to get to know someone before hand and go into it only if you feel it's what you want.

The alternative is to go to a local gay bar (or any bar, pub, club) and strike up conversations with people. Theres nothing saying you have to go home with someone the first time. Try and build up a network of friends and with time, you might meet someone who you would like to persue something with.

If bars, pubs and clubs aren't your thing, You could look into other social acitivites, either orientated towards the gay community in your area or simply for things you enjoy. Theres always a chance you'll meet someone in any given social situation and you can go from there.

All I can say is that, isolating yourself and not getting out, doesn't tend to bring all the boys to your yard! :D

Sooner or later you have to put yourself out there abit, which can be very scary and make your feelings of anxiety flare up.

It's at these times you have to plumb the hidden depths of your character and venture forth regardless. Though you might be shaking, with time and experience, that will pass and you'll find hitherto unknown confidence.

But it doesn't come on it's own. You have to summon it, so to speak. You have to say, yeah, I'm fucking terrified right now, but I have to do this. I have to try or else, nothing will change.
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 21 September 2018, 21:59

PopTart wrote:Oh honey, you aint old!

Neither am I, but I get where you're coming from. :lol:

I think figuring out if your anxiety over this issue is coming from either A: you feeling like you ought to be doing something that you aren't or B: It's something you really want but are afraid of getting past that first hurdle.

WIth all due respect to Nick2266, I wouldn't recommend your first time being at a bath house! Nothing wrong with such places (well there are things I find distasteful about them but thats just my opinion) nor with those that go to them. But I think, your first time should at the very least, be with someone who you can build some semblence of connection with, to help you feel comfortable and communicate with.

You can certainly try apps and dating sites, just be mindful that not everyone is quite as they seem online, in RL. Take your time to get to know someone before hand and go into it only if you feel it's what you want.

The alternative is to go to a local gay bar (or any bar, pub, club) and strike up conversations with people. Theres nothing saying you have to go home with someone the first time. Try and build up a network of friends and with time, you might meet someone who you would like to persue something with.

If bars, pubs and clubs aren't your thing, You could look into other social acitivites, either orientated towards the gay community in your area or simply for things you enjoy. Theres always a chance you'll meet someone in any given social situation and you can go from there.

All I can say is that, isolating yourself and not getting out, doesn't tend to bring all the boys to your yard! :D

Sooner or later you have to put yourself out there abit, which can be very scary and make your feelings of anxiety flare up.

It's at these times you have to plumb the hidden depths of your character and venture forth regardless. Though you might be shaking, with time and experience, that will pass and you'll find hitherto unknown confidence.

But it doesn't come on it's own. You have to summon it, so to speak. You have to say, yeah, I'm fucking terrified right now, but I have to do this. I have to try or else, nothing will change.


I get what you mean about the bath houses. When I first joined and started posting a few days ago I was in a pretty lonely place and sort of desperate, but I think you're right in focusing on building connections with other people. I know I haven't tried it before, but I prefer the idea of being more intimate and slower with someone to start off with than just having sex for the sake of sex. I've just been so worried about my age and where I am in life with it - like, I know I'm not old but I feel like I should have done more by this age if you know what I mean? The feeling of having wasted so much time and having to catch up now terrifies me. It's part of my anxiety I guess :(

Is there a way to find a gay bar or somewhere similar? I've always been too afraid to go into one, I'm afraid everyone will be there with their friends or in groups. And I don't drink too, would that make things harder? I am sort of interested in that though, maybe I could give it a try.

Your post has really inspired me to be honest. It's just what I needed at the moment, thank you so much :keke:
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby GanyMede4Eagle » 21 September 2018, 23:18

I honestly wish I had taken things more slowly at your age... god that made me feel old to write. But seriously, don't feel that you have to be at a certain point at certain ages, take things at your own pace. I thought that I had to be doing things that I wasn't totally ready for and it honestly got me into way more trouble than I knew what to do with. Don't be afraid of people being in groups at a gay bar, they are usually -key word usually- very welcoming and there are tons of people who feel exactly like you, that is who are new to this and quite nervous. I remember one of my first experiences going home with a guy, I started shaking. Like you know how in cartoons when people are shaking from fear, I literally could not even form words I started to get so nervous. He must have thought I was such a strange person in hind sight. I don't really know what South England is like in terms of this, but there has to be some sort of gay hub in the closest city. I'll never forget my first time at a gay bar, seeing a beautiful and well built asian man, in a speedo, dancing in "The Shower", a lit up shower raised up on stage, lol. Like PopTart said, you just have to get past that first hurdle and get out there. It will get easier with time, and you don't have to do clubs or anything like that, pick something that you think you'd actually have fun doing. Hope that helps, although there is already a lot of good advice here :)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Jzone » 22 September 2018, 01:44

Welcome (belated) to the forum, Splashy—

Be patient with your own experience, man. If you watch too many movies or porn it's easy to get the impression that most guys start sex at 15 and are experts by 18. The average age for guys to become sexually active in the US is actually 18. That means that just as many guys start older as younger. 20 year old virgins are a dime a dozen. Give yourself a break.

I was older than you when I first had sex. Looking back, I would like to have been more relaxed about sex and had some fun explored my sexuality more as a teen. For reasons of my own, I was not ready. Now at 54, I can say that my sexual experience has not suffered from the late start. I can confidently say that I have had an active, varied, and healthy sex life over the years.

You really don't need to add fuel to the anxiety or depression. (They will take care of themselves.) Small steps to improve your social confidence will go a long way towards developing a relationship with a guy. Do what it takes to meet more guys your age. Don't make sex the goal, just let it be a natural outcome from your increasing confidence.

You are not alone or terminally unique. Stick around and enjoy the forum. :)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Capt._Trips » 22 September 2018, 02:11

Jzone wrote:Welcome (belated) to the forum, Splashy—

Be patient with your own experience, man. If you watch too many movies or porn it's easy to get the impression that most guys start sex at 15 and are experts by 18. The average age for guys to become sexually active in the US is actually 18. That means that just as many guys start older as younger. 20 year old virgins are a dime a dozen. Give yourself a break.

I was older than you when I first had sex. Looking back, I would like to have been more relaxed about sex and had some fun explored my sexuality more as a teen. For reasons of my own, I was not ready. Now at 54, I can say that my sexual experience has not suffered from the late start. I can confidently say that I have had an active, varied, and healthy sex life over the years.

You really don't need to add fuel to the anxiety or depression. (They will take care of themselves.) Small steps to improve your social confidence will go a long way towards developing a relationship with a guy. Do what it takes to meet more guys your age. Don't make sex the goal, just let it be a natural outcome from your increasing confidence.

You are not alone or terminally unique. Stick around and enjoy the forum. :)

I just want to say that you are an awesome dude Jzone. :3
You really could be a therapist. And you always respond with care and understanding.

Lol sorry a bit buzzed. Im signing out

Good luck splashy. Alot of guys love an inexperienced man. You'd be surprised. :)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 22 September 2018, 02:38

Jzone wrote:Welcome (belated) to the forum, Splashy—

Be patient with your own experience, man. If you watch too many movies or porn it's easy to get the impression that most guys start sex at 15 and are experts by 18. The average age for guys to become sexually active in the US is actually 18. That means that just as many guys start older as younger. 20 year old virgins are a dime a dozen. Give yourself a break.

I was older than you when I first had sex. Looking back, I would like to have been more relaxed about sex and had some fun explored my sexuality more as a teen. For reasons of my own, I was not ready. Now at 54, I can say that my sexual experience has not suffered from the late start. I can confidently say that I have had an active, varied, and healthy sex life over the years.

You really don't need to add fuel to the anxiety or depression. (They will take care of themselves.) Small steps to improve your social confidence will go a long way towards developing a relationship with a guy. Do what it takes to meet more guys your age. Don't make sex the goal, just let it be a natural outcome from your increasing confidence.

You are not alone or terminally unique. Stick around and enjoy the forum. :)


Thank you :keke:

And thank you so much for your post. I've probably watched way too many of both those things for my own good! It does give me the impression I'm really strange for being a 20-y/o virgin, but you've really helped. It's good to hear from someone else 'late' getting into sex too.

I'll try the small steps. I'll try to meet more people, I'm just worried like 99% of the people I'd meet would be straight - I know that's probably me worrying too much and like you said, sex should be a bonus and not the end goal with meeting new people. I think because I've been so worried about people being put off by me having no experience that I kind of naturally wanted to rush things. Thanks for helping me get back some perspective.

Thank you again, you've helped me so much with your post. I can't thank you enough, and I'll definitely stick around :)
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 22 September 2018, 02:41

Simple_Man wrote:I just want to say that you are an awesome dude Jzone. :3
You really could be a therapist. And you always respond with care and understanding.

Lol sorry a bit buzzed. Im signing out

Good luck splashy. Alot of guys love an inexperienced man. You'd be surprised. :)


Yup, I totally agree with that :P

And thanks! That's so good to hear. Someone like that would be ideal for me :keke:
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Jzone » 22 September 2018, 03:53

Simple_Man wrote:Good luck splashy. Alot of guys love an inexperienced man. You'd be surprised. :)
I forgot to comment on that aspect of your post, Splashy. I agree with Simple Man: a lot of guys love an inexperienced man. Take your time and be honest about your experience. Either find a guy more experienced than you who is willing to take his time, or find a guy just as inexperienced as you to explore with. Either one could turn out great. Just don't jump at the first possibility for sex if you have gut feeling that says "no".
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Re: Totally inexperienced

Unread postby Satsuma » 22 September 2018, 20:24

Jzone wrote:
Simple_Man wrote:Good luck splashy. Alot of guys love an inexperienced man. You'd be surprised. :)
I forgot to comment on that aspect of your post, Splashy. I agree with Simple Man: a lot of guys love an inexperienced man. Take your time and be honest about your experience. Either find a guy more experienced than you who is willing to take his time, or find a guy just as inexperienced as you to explore with. Either one could turn out great. Just don't jump at the first possibility for sex if you have gut feeling that says "no".


Thank you :keke:
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