What does this mean?

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What does this mean?

Unread postby john129 » 9 September 2019, 10:04

I'm 25 and travel around the world. I tell people I'm straight but I'm definitely not 100% so. I've given grindr a try a few times and also have been with men randomly from bars.

I have some sins I need to get off my chest (and who knows, maybe this sheds more light about my personality) so some examples include: I've sucked off a polish soccer player in the backseat of his mom's car, had a threesome with a gay armenian couple in los angeles, fucked a male flight attendant in germany. But I've also fucked escorts in asia, had an ex gf which I believe I genuinely loved and would cum into every time we had sex. I also had an ex-gf who was a fraternal twin and she had a brother who was gay. And one night I mistakenly made out with him instead of her but I don't think she ever found out...All these experiences have messed with my ability to self-identify. Logically speaking, I then ask myself "Why does it even matter to self-identify?" and it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. But the reality is that society does innately require you to self-identify. Sometimes, I look at others at parties or with my friends and I just feel different. I feel like society wasn't built for the way I experience love. and then I think to myself "am I truly the only one that feels this way?" I drink more alcohol and bury these thoughts and drown them in this dark void within me. I've been doing so for a few years at this point especially in fear of losing my family and friends. But I shouldn't even care! and I know I shouldn't and I refuse to care but I still do. I'm still learning about myself and cannot understand why. Why am I letting sex define me? Why do I feel different? Anyways, when I continue my story, you'll see why this is surfacing now.

Usually, the men I meet and hook up with I don't have interest in afterwards and its purely just for physical pleasure. I also like to have sex with women but I think I enjoy it with men more so. However, I do see myself being in a committed relationship with women and not a man. Most people ask me if I'm bi as they say I give off those vibes but hearing this actually triggers me to the feelings I bottle after I have these same sex experiences (which is self-guilt and confusion). I freeze up and and don't know what to say.

Recently, I've been really lonely and trying to make friends the past few weeks so I started using bumble instead. I met this girl on there and we met but I only view us as friends. She has a lot of bumble friends she met and we had all met each other out one night. There were a few guys and a few girls. One of these guys was named Dylan. We all got along quite well and we started drinking and I started noticing things about him and everyone kept saying he was gay or he wasn't 100% straight, etc, etc. Because I related to that, I would just say "so, what?" Dylan is hot, I'm not going to lie. Beautiful face, great body, well-mannered. We're similar age too. Because of this attraction, I decided to ask him questions to see if he would reveal his sexuality. I even would try and dancing with him in front of our friends. He would back away, I would back away. A few weeks later, we were all supposed to meet up again to go out but it was just me and him. I thought to myself, now's my chance to get an answer as I started to be obsessed with him. We went out to a nightclub and I kept ordering us a lot of drinks and we would talk to girls / I would talk to girls. But for some reason, neither of us ended up with a girl (and there were a couple interested). I don't know if it's because he has higher standards or what but I can't help but wonder. He would also put his arm around me but I think hes just a smooth guy but am unsure. I would touch him and he would move away (but I was pretty drunk so not sure) but I'm pretty sure I would do the same as well if he did that to me. Anyways, my last attempt was asking him why our friend group calls me bisexual all the time and he told me angrily that "just because you have some weird dance moves, all of a sudden it makes you gay" but I'm pretty sure he was referring to himself. Keep in mind, Dylan does actually fill some gay stereotypes, not to bring that into this e.g. he wears makeup sometimes, majority of his friends are women, he posts really sexy almost naked photos and has a lot of gay men comment on them, etc. Anyways, the night ended and I asked him if he needed a place to crash since he lives far away and he said he was fine with going home. I asked again and he said yes its fine and then basically he went to get a "massage" at the "parlor" if you know what I mean with a random woman. I was shocked and he asked me if I wanted to go as well. I wasn't up for that so I told him no. I kept waiting for him out of common decency but ended up just leaving out of immense disappointment. I wasn't sure what to make of the experience, and even if he didn't swing that way, I wanted to be friends or just learn about him for my own selfish personal growth.

Now I can't stop thinking about him. I check his social media on the regular. I review our conversations to seem if there was anything I did wrong. And I noticed his mom was looking at my social media which I found quite strange. Deep down, I think part of my obsession is that we seem so similar. We both on our social medias show us with our ex-gf's, but also allude to gay tendencies. I may be reading this all completely wrong due to my selfish attraction for him that I've never felt with another guy before so I don't really know what it means. To be honest, it hurt me to see him have a picture with his ex-gf from a few years ago, because I then thought that I would have no chance. I then was hurt by the fact that I had invested so much time and energy (and a shitty hangover) for nothing. But then I ask myself "is it just for the sex?" I don't think I actually like him. I think I just want to have sex with him and I think I want to learn more about him so I can learn more about myself. I actually teared up last night because I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the confusion, the societal norms, the emotions I feel for him and myself. I had an idea to go have dinner with him next week and tell him I'm struggling with my sexuality and that he seemed like the only person that would understand me. But now knowing all of this, I'm not sure if he would understand as he could just be completely straight. I'm just not too sure. I just want to think about something else. I thought about going to see a therapist as I feel like I need to let it out.

What do you guys think of this?
john129
 
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Re: What does this mean?

Unread postby Eryx » 9 September 2019, 22:25

You're very much bisexual from what you're posting. You're into girls, you're into guys, you get horny with both and you're in love with another man. The guilt and confusion are normal, we're raised a certain way and, unfortunately, it gets to us in meaningful ways. For most exclusively gay men out there (including myself), learning to accept our sexuality was difficult and time-consuming because it feels like we're being dirty, wrong or sinful. But the reality is that sex is sex, no matter who it's with, and everyone deserves happiness, and to truly identify with and love the person that is right next to us.

I find it interesting that you opened with the consideration that men don't seem appropriate for you to date, but then you went on to say that you're obsessed (I'd say "interested") with another guy. Those are contradictions. You should try to do an exercise where you consider that maybe you like some people, whether they have a dick or a pussy, and that some of them make you want more. Dating a guy isn't that different from dating a girl, it's just something new to you, so naturally, you're going to be more nervous about it.

As for Dylan, maybe he is stuck in the same place you are right now, but maybe he's just straight. You've had girlfriends and you're not a boy, so you know rejection exists and it's something we all need to go through. You've got to a point where the best strategy is probably to just be sincere. If he's not interested, or not ready to be with another guy, your time will probably be better spent hanging out around other girls or guys you could actually get with. You can't force him to feel the same way you do. It has to come from him.
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