Who even am I?

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Who even am I?

Unread postby Joshvangogh94 » 27 November 2018, 01:55

I’ve spent my life being bullied, pushed around and put down. Mainly by people who are jealous of my intelligence, the fact I can hold down a job and/or the things I have. Ever since I left home it feels as though nobody wants you to succeed.
I’ve spent the whole time battling some weird internal concept of homosexuality. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if I’m gay, straight or bi. Sometimes I even ask myself if I’m the gender I think I am. I have horrendous mood swings and I use drugs/alcohol to laugh off my difficulties. I can survive without, but everything good in my life originates from twisting my mind. Some days I think about suicide. Others I think about how I’ll succeed, earn loads of money and tell you to go fuck yourselves while I bathe in a bath 20 pound notes. I can’t tell reality from fantasy some days. I don’t know what I want anymore... I’m not crying for help, I’ll survive one way or another. I’ll always survive. I just want to be happy.

I’ve had gay thoughts from a very young age. I’m now 24. I’d say I’ve had an inkling since I was around 8 years old. I love girls. They mean the world to me. They built who I am and I’ve had superb sex with girls... but it takes me a while to settle and find it comfortable. I get really excited at the thought of being with a man. My heart races instantly; in a way girls don’t make me. But this world makes me ashamed of it. Could I walk down the street hand in hand with my boyfriend? Could I fuck. I’d be embarrassed. I box and weightlift so fear of peoples opinions is the least of my concern. I wouldn’t hesitate at smacking someone for making fun of me but my father would always be ashamed and that seems to look over my lifestyle choices...

Recently I was on a plane and got scared on the take off. What comforted me? The idea that if I died everything would be so much easier. I won’t commit suicide. I couldn’t. I love my family. I’d rather suffer everyday for the rest of my life than hurt them like that, but that’s just life I guess.

My whole life is spent going back and forth. I want sex with men and then women the next minute. If I’m honest, I haven’t a clue what the fuck I’m on about here and you’ve probably given up reading this...

Sorry to waste your time. I love you, all of you, but if you’ve anything useful to say.. please pipe up because I’m lost. This world is empty. Cold. Silent. Deadly.

If you’ve read all this then thank you... you don’t have to reply but it’s always nice to look at things from somebody else’s perspective...
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Re: Who even am I?

Unread postby GayGuyUk1992 » 27 November 2018, 10:06

I can relate to 99% of what you've said here, apart from the fact of being intelligent. My brain is non existent seriously. Anyway I know exactly where your coming from, especially when you mention about your Dad. I don't care what other people think about me being with men, not in the slightest, but when it comes to my Dad and other people I care about, I just don't want to let them down. I know it would ruin him and devaste him. I feel like I'm living 2 or 3 separate lives all at the same time.

One minute I want to be with a guy and then the next minute I look at myself and think about what I'm doing and just feel shame, and break things off. It's not fair in the slightest on them and I feel such guilt everytime and rightly so.

And I know what you mean about suicide, sometimes I really wish I could just end it all, but I could never ever do that to the people I care about and who have done so much for me. I'm sorry I can't help you in any way, but it is comforting to at least know there is other guys out there experiencing some of the same kind of things, even though I wish there wasn't because its awful x
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Re: Who even am I?

Unread postby Tommiebee » 27 November 2018, 14:44

I think a lot of us have looked at those feelings/thoughts in the mirror.
Especially late at night when we're alone.
For myself, sobering up and soul-searching provided some relief. I could look at myself, start putting the puzzle pieces together. After a few years of doing that, I'm getting to a better place: happier with myself, more understanding of myself, forgiving of my weird streaks, and less concerned about what others might think.
I don't think there is, or even needs to be, a yardstick for measuring our place in the sexual spectrum, or the world at large. Find what makes you happy.
I am a work in progress. I am so thankful for the opportunity to live my live my own way.
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Re: Who even am I?

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 27 November 2018, 21:54

You don't waste our time, because if ye did, you would not have used it to write that down, and I would not have taken mine to read it.

I think, many of us non-heterosexuals and gender diverse folks have gone through a similar search for who and what exactly we are. It often seems with similar pain patterns and difficulties that pop up along the way. In the end we can't change, who we are, even if expectations and demands that other people, that society is asking of us, push us over the edge in trying to please.
I guess, being bisexual must be even more difficult to discover and identify as. So it must be, if there's gender insecurity to add.
I understand the being bullied stuff a lot, that can snap your spinal cord of happiness, pretty well.
They bullied me, too, but more because of looks and body type, and being creative.

I think I just wanted to tell you, basically, you're not alone in this! People on here come from all walks of life and they have walked in related pairs of shoes, often, for some or the other time in their life.
If you could skip the darn drugs and the alcohol a bit, would be nice ... uhm, if you like the stuff and don't want to skip it, I guess it's okay, too. It's just a toxic evaporator to intelligence matters, eh.

Suicidal moods often went along my younger life's time line. Somehow I was too much of a coward zo ever succeed in it. I guess, my Dad wouldn't have cared a lot. So maybe you can be cool with your's caring? Even if he would not accept the way you love . I think it's something worth that he would care. Sadness, Depression and suicide moods often originate, if you can't live your life as you like to. If you're alone and desperate and turn in your own jar of jam, so to say.
Advise would be at the best, if you worked toward the manifestation of how YOU want to live YOUR life, without to make that wish all to dependant on what others may think would be best for ye.
If you manage to escape that pattern, you'll win a lot of life power points, gives you strength to put yourself back together.
At least, that was what helped me a great deal on finding myself, finding my way- It was not the easy deal and I had to leave behind some of the people that did not accept the way I am. I'm still alone and I think I'll be forever, but I am free.

Who said you can't be free and even find someone to be happy with?
Go for it, as long as the doors are open! :thumbsup:
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!
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