Will sex help me know me better?

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Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 8 January 2021, 22:21

Hi,
I'm a 24 yo virgin (gay and straight), not too bad looking, just very unsure and shy for a long time now.
I've had a strong gay identity push (identity revelation) in the last year, by which I mean, wanting to try make up, walking, talking more queer, and it's been a bit of a struggle because very different to my usual self.
I want to try gay sex so that I can see clearer about who I am, sexually and non-sexually.
My story seems simple but the reason I'm asking advice is because I've had difficulties being who I want to be in a queer way, it's sometimes too difficult for me to express and go all the way.
So I'm hoping that if I have sex it could make it easier for me to accept who I am depending on what happens.
Right now I don't feel any particular preference to white,black young,older men so I'm thinking about someone safe and with experience and will make me feel comfortable.
Any advice is welcome, thanks! :)
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 8 January 2021, 22:27

There’s a lot to unpack here, and some of it seems a little odd from the outside looking in. When you say you want to try “walking more queer” for instance, why? You say it’s different to your usual self, how? Are you consciously repressing a desire to strut along with more of a bounce? Or do you think that somehow a key part of the homosexual experience is rooted in an exaggerated hip swing whilst walking?

I only ask in order to place you on a wholly bizarre scale between 1 (gay and a bit camp) and 10 (Straight attention seeker)
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby René » 8 January 2021, 22:37

As a gay man, what does appearing/behaving (more) like a woman have to do with being attracted to other men? I don't see the connection, or why that would be in any way desirable or helpful.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 9 January 2021, 14:52

Basically, I'm confused about my feelings and my identity. Everytime I've put heels, make up on, been more queer it felt good but it was always a challenge and even after a year to go out again and dress up isn't something easy.
I just think it's about time I had a sexual experience and that would help clear the fog in my head and know what I enjoy.
Why try for the first time with a man? Because that's where I feel I should start, I don't know why. Usually, when you're unsure you have a heterosexual experience firs,t but in my case I've been thinking about making the step to having sex with a man for a long time so I think it'll be easier.
Thank you for your answers!
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby René » 9 January 2021, 16:26

Gaugzee, I'm confused by your posts. What does dressing up like a woman with high heels and make-up have to do with possibly being gay and having sex with a man???

Just to illustrate:

I'm a gay man. I'm 32. I've known I was gay since I was 14, more than half my life, and been open about it since age 16. I've never felt conflicted about it. In the 16 years I've been out, I've had 4 boyfriends and 1 husband. I've been married to my husband for more than a decade and been having sex with him for more than a decade.

And guess what, in all that time, I never "put on heels and make-up", "been, walked or talked queer" or anything like that.

Why? Because they have nothing to do with each other.

My husband certainly would not appreciate it if I suddenly appeared in drag wanting to have sex with him. I have a feeling he might just laugh out loud and then run away. :lol:
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 9 January 2021, 17:14

I know what you mean I'm not saying all gay men are drag and queers. I just asking for advice because in public I'm always too shy so I'm thinking about trying a dating app and having an experience which will help me with my desires/personnality. The thing is, I don't know if I'm gay, but I want to try the sex to get a step closer towards knowing if I am.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby René » 9 January 2021, 17:43

In that case, I suggest you disconnect the idea of the heels, makeup, queer-walk-and-talk etc. stuff from the notion of having gay sex in your head. Buy some condoms and lube and do your research. Be yourself; dress and behave in the way that comes naturally to you. Don't feel like you have to change to please others, and be aware most people out there will not expect you to. Then download Grindr on your phone and stay as safe as you can.

Or, if you're open to having more of a meaningful connection with someone rather than just having a hook-up, maybe install Tinder and try to get to know someone. (Tinder is more about dating whereas Grindr is 99% people just looking for sex.)

Be aware that sex is just one, actually optional, part of being gay. I didn't know I was gay by having sex with anyone. I knew when, as a teenager in school, I started getting crushes on male classmates and not female ones. The first time it happened, I knew I was either gay or bi. When no crushes on girls ever started happening, I concluded I must be gay.

Have you had any crushes you can tell us about?
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 9 January 2021, 21:48

Well, for ever since I can remember I've had crushes on girls from age nursery. I've never had an attraction to one of my friends or guys in general, although I've been through alot of uncertainty and questionning. So even I don't know if I'm repressing something.
I was really shy at school so it stopped a tongue kisses with girls when I was drunk which I enjoyed. Recently I've kissed a few guys had a blowjob by a guy, I didn't necessarily enjoy neither dislike. I'd say from a scale from 1/10 only 4. But I still feel the urge to experience with guys. I don't know why I want to do it but at the same time I don't. It's nearly like I need to it.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 10 January 2021, 13:41

I actually met with a guy yesterday (same age, quite cute, little chubby) but we did most of the things you could do but I didn't really enjoy it. I felt pleasure from the oral sex but I wasn't aroused neither was looking at him a turn-on, so I didn't manage to get an erection.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 10 January 2021, 14:43

Well there we go. We’ve squared that away. Congrats on the epiphany. Enjoy heterosexual life over at StraightForum.org.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Jasper1 » 10 January 2021, 15:12

Gaugzee wrote:I actually met with a guy yesterday (same age, quite cute, little chubby) but we did most of the things you could do but I didn't really enjoy it. I felt pleasure from the oral sex but I wasn't aroused neither was looking at him a turn-on, so I didn't manage to get an erection.


So you ignored the lockdown rules for that ! :argh:
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 10 January 2021, 19:25

I don't understand why my post has attractred so much negative answers. I was asking for guidance not judgment.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 10 January 2021, 19:33

Gaugzee wrote:I don't understand why my post has attractred so much negative answers. I was asking for guidance not judgment.

No, you’re assuming that we’re as stupid as you’re hopefully pretending to be.
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby jamessemaj » 10 January 2021, 21:05

Looks like you're unsure about a lot of things, Forum's definitely make it difficult to judge tone on comments.

Being gay is being attracted mostly to others that are the same sex as yourself.

If you want to wear high heels or makeup, or wish you sounded different, you'll get no judgement from me; it doesn't make you gay.

Perhaps that's good news or bad news or just doesn't matter.

Sounds like you've already gone there with trying some sexual stuff and that hasn't really helped.
James
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Re: Will sex help me know me better?

Unread postby Gaugzee » 12 January 2021, 18:32

Thank you James! :) Maybe my wording is clumsy but I wasn't expecting everyone to gang up on me.
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