Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

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Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 24 February 2021, 20:22

Hello everyone,
I am entirely new here and this is my first time posting anything here or even ever saying anything about this overall. I have read some posts on the forums here to try and get a feel for how to structure a post effectivly and from what I have read it seems pretty free form but I am not entirely sure if I am doing this correctly. I am giving this my best shot but please forgive me if I have done this incorrectly. I also still don't know how much about myself for context so I am just going to give what I can think of and hopefully that will be enough. I tried my best to make this actually legible and give it some organization but it is really hard because I don't really know where to start.

I also really hope this is not over-sharing and I am really sorry if it is, I really don't want to gross anyone out.

I will also attempt to add a tl;dr at the end if this is just way too much for anyone to be willing to read through it all.

I am 24 years old, I have zero experience of any kind with dating or sex (I only don't really know any gay or bi men besides one of my best friends), despite my inexperience I am 99.9% sure I'm a bottom, and I am urinary incontinent and have erectile disfunction.

I became incontinent after I got injured when I was 6 that damaged my nerves. I have zero control at all over my bladder so I am essentially confined to "disposable underwear" and the like 24/7.
I have also have never been able to get hard or actually ejaculate and my penis is really small so I am basically just a mess on that front too.


I even joined two dating sites just to lurk and see what other people say on their profiles and I found that a concerning amount said that they aren't interested in Asians (I am East Asian), only want guys that are over a certain hight (I am super short), and have a penis over some margin I am not even close to.
Is this normal for most gay men to have these expectations? Are these expectations normal or common?
I am also worried because I am not fit/muscular and just a boney string bean.

I have nothing at all to bring to the table at all. I have a generally considered super gross problem, my dick is small and I am not particularly attractive at all.
I don't have a "good personally" either to make up for anything because I am super socially awkward and I am not good at anything besides being boring and studying all the time.

Even if ever someone actually showed interest in me if we wanted to actually date I would have to inevitably tell them and I don't know if I even have the courage to do that at all. I am would be super worried they would be immediately turned off by it and think I am super disgusting.

One time in highschool my one friend actually told me he liked me and even though I actually had a huge crush on him for two whole years I got so scared he would think I am disgusting and not even want to be my friend so I told him my parents don't allow me to date in highschool


What I am really trying to ask is if people that are way more experienced than I in what actual dating is like and what other gay on actually want think that anyone would ever actually want to date someone like me.
Maybe me wanting to bottom would make it less detrimental but I'm not sure and I have my doubts if that would actually be enough to affect anything.
Obviously the incontinence is the biggest thing because that is so embarrassing and shameful as well as I think most people would think that it is super gross even though it is not my fault and I can't help it.


I have tried looking up if I can find anyone that has anything like the problems I have talking about it on the internet but I have never anything. I have never told anyone about this. Only my family knows but I can't talk to them about it either. I feel so incredibly alone. I am so terrifyed that no one will ever want to date me and I will be alone for the rest of my life because I do want to be in love and have a relationship.



I'm really sorry if this was really unorganized or way too long.

Any response at all would honestly be really amazing.
Thank you <3



tl;dr: I am incontinent, I can't get it up, an all around physical mess and I want to know if more experienced gay men actually think I will ever have a chance with anyone at all.
Last edited by mysterygoldfish on 29 March 2021, 04:13, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 24 February 2021, 21:00

Well, dating aside, I wouldn’t pursue a career in sales. You are most assuredly not a salesman.

On topic, if I’m being honest, yes. I think I would personally find the barriers in this instance a little hard to overcome on a sexual basis and I probably wouldn’t enter into a romantic or sexual relationship on the basis of that. However, by no means does that mean that nobody would. But the search is going to be harder for you, and I think your best bet is to try and be as up-front as you can about it.

Whilst I appreciate that it’s easier said than done, you refer to yourself in a disposable and insignificant terms and you need to stop. You have a hill to climb as it is, the more apparent you make that lack of confidence, the more that hill is going to seem like a mountain if you’re not careful.

You’re right. It’s not your fault and you can’t help it. That others perhaps struggle to reconcile that, or the dissonance they experience between acknowledging that and still feeling biased against it, isn’t your fault. It’s certainly demoralising, but it doesn’t devalue you. A relationship doesn’t need to be based in sex, and a strong intellectual or romantic compatibility will make it a lot easier for someone to accept and work with factors they might otherwise find to be unattractive.

And so we loop back to salesmanship. From here onwards, let’s stop referring to yourself as a super gross, small dicked, not attractive man with no personality. Affording yourself the respect of positive language is a super easy and super effective first step to brightening the way you see yourself, and thus increasing your confidence and making you more attractive to a prospective partner.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby René » 24 February 2021, 21:17

:hug:

There are certainly gay guys who are attracted to East Asians.

A lot of what I see here is you talking yourself down. It's not necessary. The medical issues you mentioned shouldn't stop someone falling for you.

Also, if you feel you are inadequate in other ways, you can work on improving those. But things like being socially awkward certainly aren't insurmountable obstacles to finding a boyfriend. I'm pretty socially awkward myself, but that didn't stop me getting a boyfriend and a husband.

I'm sure you're more interesting than you make yourself sound.

Anyway, is your ED permanent, untreatable due to the nerve issue? And is there still no way to treat any of this in the meantime?

Being gay certainly makes ED potentially less of an issue since you could bottom :D

And at least UI isn't as bad as FI :P
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby Nicholas » 24 February 2021, 21:44

Hello! It's nice to meet you.

First of all, I want to say I think you're being very brave by posting here, and it's definitely a positive "first step" towards coming to terms with the cards you've been dealt in life!

Incontinence and erectile dysfunction aside, I (humbly) think there's something much more important that you need to work on before anything else, and that's your self-esteem. It's heartbreaking to read things like "gross anyone out", "nothing to bring to the table", and "not good at anything". It seems to me like the problems you have zero control over have poisoned you against yourself, so to speak.

I know you said you're East Asian, but where do you live? Have you ever considered trying talking therapy? I hope you're not in Asia as I know how difficult it is to find mental health support in Asian countries. Until you can learn to accept yourself, it's going to be very difficult for you to "have a chance with anyone" as you've put it. You cannot control your incontinence. There was an accident when you were 6. You can't change that now. It's not like you are choosing to do it on purpose. I presume that you've explored all medical avenues? E.g. surgery, medication, etc? If so, and it hasn't worked/will never work, I'm afraid the only thing you can do is accept it, learn to love yourself, and move on.

How about your ED? Have you tried medication? Could your ED be linked to your self-confidence? Have you ever seen a medical professional about the issue? Have you tried viagra? Have you explored other parts of your sexuality? You said you might be a bottom, how do you know? Buy yourself a dildo and give it a whirl - you might surprise yourself.

My friend has quite bad Tourettes and ticks a lot. He went on his first date ever when he was 27 because he didn't have the confidence to do so until then. He's now married and expecting his first child! It took him a long time but once he embraced/accepted his differences, he was able to explore those new opportunities. Coincidentally, I also used to work with a gay guy who actually has a kink for diapers, so hey - it takes all sorts to make a world!

I could type and type and type in reply to your post, but I think the best thing I can suggest is that the answers to your problems have to come from you. It's a big world. There'll be someone out there for you - a big strong top that loves petite asian bottoms with a positive attitude towards life's challenges, maybe even hot for watersports. However, you're never going to let someone love you until you can love yourself.

Why don't we start now? I'd like you to write 3 things you like about yourself!
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby Eryx » 24 February 2021, 21:45

I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't mind it. Some guys like diapers, some guys like piss play, and some guys are especially attracted to Asians. And I don't think piss play and diapers are that far away from each other, so the guy for you is probably very likely around. Anyway, I'm just teasing. Just because you're incontinent, I don't think it's fair to assume you want to pee while having sex.

All the shortcomings you mentioned aren't problems for everyone. Sure, lots of guys are superficial and want someone with everything you listed, but those aren't all gay men. They're a subset of us, and are usually looking for similar guys just because they can. Not everyone is perfect, so we shouldn't expect other men to have a wider range of taste just to accommodate all kinds of people.

That said, as I already went over, those are just part of the gay community. There are men who prefer short men, there are men who prefer skinny guys -- though, if you want to change that about yourself to have something else going for you, then I think you should definitely give it a shot (completely optional though) -- and there are men who won't mind your issue. There are even some men who get horny with bottoms who don't get hard. I personally really like to look at a soft dick, to be honest.

Real life is a chaotic mix-match of people who look different and feel differently about who they're usually attracted to. No stereotype will ever be able to describe a whole group's taste. Even people with very similar tastes will inevitably disagree on something at some point. So there is room for every guy. My final note (because this is too long, I'm high and I feel like I'm writing in circles) is you should never use what you consider to be your flaws stop you from improving the things you can improve. So work on looking and feeling your best and don't apologize for being who you are. That will definitely help bringing people closer to you.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby Nicholas » 24 February 2021, 21:49

Marmaduke wrote:It’s certainly demoralising, but it doesn’t devalue you.


René wrote:A lot of what I see here is you talking yourself down. It's not necessary.


Eryx wrote:So work on looking and feeling your best and don't apologize for being who you are.

All of these sentences are very important and you should read them multiple times.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby René » 25 February 2021, 00:27

Eryx wrote:There are even some men who get horny with bottoms who don't get hard.

Lately I often don't get hard during sex for some reason, even though I'm loving it. Brenden likes it because it stops my hand getting in the way :P
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 25 February 2021, 05:16

Nicholas wrote:Hello! It's nice to meet you.

First of all, I want to say I think you're being very brave by posting here, and it's definitely a positive "first step" towards coming to terms with the cards you've been dealt in life!


Thank you so much for your response everything you said was incredibly kind and a lot of it is genuinely reassuring.

Nicholas wrote:Incontinence and erectile dysfunction aside, I (humbly) think there's something much more important that you need to work on before anything else, and that's your self-esteem. It's heartbreaking to read things like "gross anyone out", "nothing to bring to the table", and "not good at anything". It seems to me like the problems you have zero control over have poisoned you against yourself, so to speak.


Self esteem is definitely (and pretty obviously) a big issue for me which has been a hard thing to work on.
I have explored a good amount of different avenues medically but the incontinence is pretty much what it is at this point.

Nicholas wrote:I know you said you're East Asian, but where do you live? Have you ever considered trying talking therapy? I hope you're not in Asia as I know how difficult it is to find mental health support in Asian countries. Until you can learn to accept yourself, it's going to be very difficult for you to "have a chance with anyone" as you've put it. You cannot control your incontinence. There was an accident when you were 6. You can't change that now. It's not like you are choosing to do it on purpose. I presume that you've explored all medical avenues? E.g. surgery, medication, etc? If so, and it hasn't worked/will never work, I'm afraid the only thing you can do is accept it, learn to love yourself, and move on.


I don't live in Asia and I used to go to a therapist but I stopped going a long time ago. It sounds really silly in context with everything I have said but I have been really busy and the idea to start doing so again has been on the back burner for a while. It is also terrifying to try to actually try to find one and start talking to them.

Nicholas wrote:How about your ED? Have you tried medication? Could your ED be linked to your self-confidence? Have you ever seen a medical professional about the issue? Have you tried viagra?


I have never been to the doctor for ED. I know I probably should but I have never actually had the bravery to. I have never tried Viagra so I actually don't know if that would help.

Nicholas wrote:Have you explored other parts of your sexuality? You said you might be a bottom, how do you know? Buy yourself a dildo and give it a whirl - you might surprise yourself.


I honestly actually already have dildos which have proved to be but a shimmering oasis in desolate desert that is my sex life.

Nicholas wrote:My friend has quite bad Tourettes and ticks a lot. He went on his first date ever when he was 27 because he didn't have the confidence to do so until then. He's now married and expecting his first child! It took him a long time but once he embraced/accepted his differences, he was able to explore those new opportunities. Coincidentally, I also used to work with a gay guy who actually has a kink for diapers, so hey - it takes all sorts to make a world!
I could type and type and type in reply to your post, but I think the best thing I can suggest is that the answers to your problems have to come from you. It's a big world. There'll be someone out there for you - a big strong top that loves petite asian bottoms with a positive attitude towards life's challenges, maybe even hot for watersports. However, you're never going to let someone love you until you can love yourself.


I know there are people that are into similar things but I am not actually sure how common that is or how to figure out if someone even is.

Nicholas wrote:Why don't we start now? I'd like you to write 3 things you like about yourself!


For the things that I like about myself: I actually got into med school which is awesome.
I am pretty good at painting and making war gaming/tabletop miniatures.
I have a some really good friends that I am still really close with.

Thank you again for your reply. It was genuinely really cool to read.
Last edited by mysterygoldfish on 26 February 2021, 21:29, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 25 February 2021, 05:53

René wrote::hug:

There are certainly gay guys who are attracted to East Asians.

A lot of what I see here is you talking yourself down. It's not necessary. The medical issues you mentioned shouldn't stop someone falling for you.

Also, if you feel you are inadequate in other ways, you can work on improving those. But things like being socially awkward certainly aren't insurmountable obstacles to finding a boyfriend. I'm pretty socially awkward myself, but that didn't stop me getting a boyfriend and a husband.

I'm sure you're more interesting than you make yourself sound.

Anyway, is your ED permanent, untreatable due to the nerve issue? And is there still no way to treat any of this in the meantime?

Being gay certainly makes ED potentially less of an issue since you could bottom :D

And at least UI isn't as bad as FI :P



Thank you for responding. Your response was super positive and kind. Everything you said was incredibly nice of you and it is super awesome that you have found someone who really appreciates your social awkwardness to share your life with. :D

I am not actually sure about the ED. It has just never gotten hard before no matter what I do but I am not entirely sure why. I really should go to a doctor but I have always been too scared and embarrassed.
I am really hoping that if it is truly something that cannot be treated being gay and bottoming will maybe make this less of an issue for me.

You are not wrong. Fecal incontinence would be probably immeasurably worse. lol
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby René » 25 February 2021, 06:07

mysterygoldfish wrote:Thank you for responding. Your response was super positive and kind. Everything you said was incredibly nice of you and it is super awesome that you have found someone who really appreciates your social awkwardness to share your life with. :D

:keke:

Well, it's more like my husband is kinda socially awkward himself (as a result of both having Asperger Syndrome). :3

mysterygoldfish wrote:I am not actually sure about the ED. It has just never gotten hard before no matter what I do but I am not entirely sure why. I really should go to a doctor but I have always been too scared and embarrassed.
I am really hoping that if it is truly something that cannot be treated being gay and bottoming will maybe make this less of an issue for me.

If you do try a medication, I would suggest going for tadalafil (also known by the brand name Cialis) rather than sildenafil (Viagra). Tadalafil is newer and generally safer and more effective.
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 25 February 2021, 07:42

Eryx wrote:I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't mind it. Some guys like diapers, some guys like piss play, and some guys are especially attracted to Asians. And I don't think piss play and diapers are that far away from each other, so the guy for you is probably very likely around. Anyway, I'm just teasing. Just because you're incontinent, I don't think it's fair to assume you want to pee while having sex.

All the shortcomings you mentioned aren't problems for everyone. Sure, lots of guys are superficial and want someone with everything you listed, but those aren't all gay men. They're a subset of us, and are usually looking for similar guys just because they can. Not everyone is perfect, so we shouldn't expect other men to have a wider range of taste just to accommodate all kinds of people.

That said, as I already went over, those are just part of the gay community. There are men who prefer short men, there are men who prefer skinny guys -- though, if you want to change that about yourself to have something else going for you, then I think you should definitely give it a shot (completely optional though) -- and there are men who won't mind your issue. There are even some men who get horny with bottoms who don't get hard. I personally really like to look at a soft dick, to be honest.

Real life is a chaotic mix-match of people who look different and feel differently about who they're usually attracted to. No stereotype will ever be able to describe a whole group's taste. Even people with very similar tastes will inevitably disagree on something at some point. So there is room for every guy. My final note (because this is too long, I'm high and I feel like I'm writing in circles) is you should never use what you consider to be your flaws stop you from improving the things you can improve. So work on looking and feeling your best and don't apologize for being who you are. That will definitely help bringing people closer to you.


Thank you for responding.
It is reassuring to confirm that there are actually guys that are into such things

I actually didn't know that people being into soft dicks was a thing. Is that a common thing for people to be into?
I did knew that watersports and the like were fetishes but I have no idea how common it is or how one would even tell if someone is into such a thing or okay with it.

Thank you for all of your kind words, it genuinely does mean a lot. :)
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 25 February 2021, 07:45

René wrote:
Eryx wrote:There are even some men who get horny with bottoms who don't get hard.

Lately I often don't get hard during sex for some reason, even though I'm loving it. Brenden likes it because it stops my hand getting in the way :P


I genuinely never heard about people being into that before. Is this a common thing for people to be into?
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby René » 25 February 2021, 08:01

mysterygoldfish wrote:
René wrote:
Eryx wrote:There are even some men who get horny with bottoms who don't get hard.

Lately I often don't get hard during sex for some reason, even though I'm loving it. Brenden likes it because it stops my hand getting in the way :P

I genuinely never heard about people being into that before. Is this a common thing for people to be into?

Oh, yeah, I believe it's pretty common for bottoms to not (necessarily) get hard or jack off during sex, to enjoy all the focus being on being penetrated, or for the top to like that, or for a bottom's hand jacking off to get in the way and for that to be annoying, or for it to be a dominance/submission thing for the top to not allow the bottom to touch himself at the same time... or all of the above as in my case I guess. :lol:
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby Nicholas » 25 February 2021, 16:42

mysterygoldfish wrote:I have explored a good amount of different avenues medically but the incontinence is pretty much what it is at this point.

When I was 20/21, I had really, really bad anxiety. It got to the point where I knew that if I didn't do something about it, it was going to consume me. One of the things that really helped me was something called "The Worry Tree," and it's actually a really simple technique that I still use sometimes if something is worrying me. Basically, you start at the top of the tree and ask yourself some questions. An example can be seen here: https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=605D4612 Basically, you "notice" what is bothering you. Decide whether or not something can be done about it. If so, when? If not, let the worry go. You said above "it pretty much is what it is at this point", in which case, maybe it's time to let it go. There's nothing that can be done so it's time to accept it, move on, and make the best of it.

mysterygoldfish wrote:I have never been to the doctor for ED. I know I probably should but I have never actually had the bravery to. I have never tried Viagra so I actually don't know if that would help.

Hmmm, I think this is something you should start to explore in the spirit of making a stand! Rene gave a recommendation above about a specific medication you could try - at least talk to a doctor about their opinion, etc. Seems to me like there's no harm in it . It might actually make you feel more reassured! If it doesn't work, at least you tried and like others have said, it's not that big of a deal if you enjoy being a bottom. I've bottomed plenty of times where A) I haven't maintained an erection and B) still enjoyed myself.

mysterygoldfish wrote:I honestly actually already have dildos which have proved to be but a shimmering oasis in desolate desert that is my sex life.

So there's nothing actually wrong with your libido, which is good! If you can have some kind of "orgasm" (be it 'dry') from anal stimulation, then that seems like a win to me!

mysterygoldfish wrote:I don't live in Asia and I used to go to a therapist but I stopped going a long time ago. It sounds really silly in context with everything I have said but I have been really busy and the idea to start doing so again has been on the back burner for a while. It is also terrifying to try to actually try to find one and start talking to them.

I cannot recommend the benefits of talking therapy enough. I'm more than happy to admit that "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" saved my life when I was 20/21. My strongest suggestion to you would be to reestablish a recurring therapy appointment as soon as possible.

mysterygoldfish wrote:I know there are people that are into similar things but I am not actually sure how common that is or how to figure out if someone even is.

I think it would be good for your self-esteem to find people who get sexually aroused by the thing that has shattered your confidence. For example, you could start by posting a revised version of your situation (without all the negativity/self-hate!) on a subreddit like https://www.reddit.com/r/GayWatersports/, https://www.reddit.com/r/gaypissingporn/, https://www.reddit.com/r/GuysPeeGoneWild/ and especially https://www.reddit.com/r/DudesInDiapers/. Watersports, etc, might not be something that YOU find sexually arousing, but I think it will really help your mental health to find others who, quite frankly, enjoy it. I think it would help you (even if only a little) to learn that your accident/the consequences are NOT the end of the world. You might be surprised at some of the messages you receive! AND you can post completely anonymously so being shy/nervous need not get in the way. On that last subreddit, "DudesInDiapers", I quickly checked it out and one guy gets 50+ upvotes on each of his pictures! (If you've never used Reddit before, that means at least 50 people have clicked that they like the image.) Why not have a poke around or even try to find some different communities? Like I say, it might not be something that gets your motor running, but it will help you understand that you are desirable. It's all about finding the right audience!

mysterygoldfish wrote:For the things that I like about myself: I actually got into med school which is awesome.
I am pretty good at painting and making war gaming/tabletop miniatures.
I have a some really good friends that I am still really close with.

Um, hello? You wrote that big introduction, full of negatives, and didn't even include the fact that you got into med school!? Already that makes you more attractive in my opinion. It shows you have drive, commitment, brains, as well as compassion and kindness. I think you need to reevaluate how you introduce yourself! Confidence is key. That's interesting about painting/tabletop stuff - it tells me that you're passionate about your hobbies and obviously interesting to others who enjoy the same. A good circle of friends suggest you are MUCH more than, what was it, "worth nothing to the world" - they obviously like you for a reason.

This time, I want you to list three things you like about your appearance!
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 26 February 2021, 03:49

Nicholas wrote:When I was 20/21, I had really, really bad anxiety. It got to the point where I knew that if I didn't do something about it, it was going to consume me. One of the things that really helped me was something called "The Worry Tree," and it's actually a really simple technique that I still use sometimes if something is worrying me. Basically, you start at the top of the tree and ask yourself some questions. An example can be seen here: https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=605D4612 Basically, you "notice" what is bothering you. Decide whether or not something can be done about it. If so, when? If not, let the worry go. You said above "it pretty much is what it is at this point", in which case, maybe it's time to let it go. There's nothing that can be done so it's time to accept it, move on, and make the best of it.


I have never heard of the worry tree before but it seems helpful and I will try to keep it in mind. A problem that I have with anxiety is that I will be really anxious about something and at the same time know that it is not something I should be worried about but I can't stop.

The incontinence is certainly the biggest deal for me and does have constant and sort of debilitating effect on my life, not just so with dating, and I truly do want to work working through and making it lessen an cope better s
With that part I do know and have accepted in a way the reality that this will most likely always be something I will have to deal with (though it should be said that have been insane leaps in modern medicine so it is possible though I am not banking on it or planning on it fixing my problem.) Something that does make it much more difficult and is that is that a lot of worries are valid and very real possiblites.
If others knew is is very likely that they will think of me very differently or would be grossed out. Body waste is very generally a super gross, taboo and embarrassing thing.

I don't want to go too off topic but also I do not have a room mate at the moment because of the virus but I probably will eventually and that is beyond terrifying. I would shrive up into a raisin and die if they found out and it will be much more difficult and consistently terrifying as I have never lived with anyone before other than my immediate family that does know and hiding it the entire time we are living together could be difficult.

Nicholas wrote:Hmmm, I think this is something you should start to explore in the spirit of making a stand! Rene gave a recommendation above about a specific medication you could try - at least talk to a doctor about their opinion, etc. Seems to me like there's no harm in it . It might actually make you feel more reassured! If it doesn't work, at least you tried and like others have said, it's not that big of a deal if you enjoy being a bottom. I've bottomed plenty of times where A) I haven't maintained an erection and B) still enjoyed myself.


I really should go to a doctor about ED but it is a really hard thing to do. It is an impossible thing to bring up. This is the first time I have ever brought it up in any capacity to anyone.

It is genuinely a giant relief to hear that it it actually doesn't matter as much if want to be on the bottom. I didn't know if it was actually an expected thing for the person on the bottom in real life or not. I thought that it may not matter as much but it was just a hypothesis and I have never been actually sure.

Nicholas wrote:So there's nothing actually wrong with your libido, which is good! If you can have some kind of "orgasm" (be it 'dry') from anal stimulation, then that seems like a win to me!


I think I am really sure I can orgasm from anal but I don't know if I could even be 100% as I have never had anything else to compare it to if that makes sense.

Nicholas wrote:I cannot recommend the benefits of talking therapy enough. I'm more than happy to admit that "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" saved my life when I was 20/21. My strongest suggestion to you would be to reestablish a recurring therapy appointment as soon as possible.


I definitely have been planning for a while to actually working to find a therapist but, again, it is hard to start and the virus has made it a lot more difficult.

Nicholas wrote:I think it would be good for your self-esteem to find people who get sexually aroused by the thing that has shattered your confidence. For example, you could start by posting a revised version of your situation (without all the negativity/self-hate!) on a subreddit like https://www.reddit.com/r/GayWatersports/, https://www.reddit.com/r/gaypissingporn/, https://www.reddit.com/r/GuysPeeGoneWild/ and especially https://www.reddit.com/r/DudesInDiapers/. Watersports, etc, might not be something that YOU find sexually arousing, but I think it will really help your mental health to find others who, quite frankly, enjoy it. I think it would help you (even if only a little) to learn that your accident/the consequences are NOT the end of the world. You might be surprised at some of the messages you receive! AND you can post completely anonymously so being shy/nervous need not get in the way. On that last subreddit, "DudesInDiapers", I quickly checked it out and one guy gets 50+ upvotes on each of his pictures! (If you've never used Reddit before, that means at least 50 people have clicked that they like the image.) Why not have a poke around or even try to find some different communities? Like I say, it might not be something that gets your motor running, but it will help you understand that you are desirable. It's all about finding the right audience!


I checked out the reddit. I hope there are a good amount people that are into this but not the infantilism part, not that there is anything wrong with someone being into something like that just it is the opposite of what I am into. Most of the posts seemed to revolve around that.

Nicholas wrote:Um, hello? You wrote that big introduction, full of negatives, and didn't even include the fact that you got into med school!? Already that makes you more attractive in my opinion. It shows you have drive, commitment, brains, as well as compassion and kindness. I think you need to reevaluate how you introduce yourself! Confidence is key. That's interesting about painting/tabletop stuff - it tells me that you're passionate about your hobbies and obviously interesting to others who enjoy the same. A good circle of friends suggest you are MUCH more than, what was it, "worth nothing to the world" - they obviously like you for a reason.


Thank you so so much. I am actually really proud of just even getting into med school. It is the best thing I have ever accomplished.
My friends do have the same interests as me and it is really great to have a group that shares the same interests and hobbies. :)


Nicholas wrote:This time, I want you to list three things you like about your appearance!


It is much harder to think of things I like about myself physically but I shall try my best.
I like my glasses, I think the frames are cool.
I think my hair is fine even though it is often messy.
It might be strange to list but a positive of being boney is that I make a great evil wizard/warlock for Halloween and Renaissance faires so that's cool.

Thank you so much for you continued replies, kindness, and helpfulness. It is really amazingly awesome.
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mysterygoldfish
 
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Re: Would anyone actually date someone with urinary incontinence?

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 26 February 2021, 22:12

Marmaduke wrote:Well, dating aside, I wouldn’t pursue a career in sales. You are most assuredly not a salesman.

On topic, if I’m being honest, yes. I think I would personally find the barriers in this instance a little hard to overcome on a sexual basis and I probably wouldn’t enter into a romantic or sexual relationship on the basis of that. However, by no means does that mean that nobody would. But the search is going to be harder for you, and I think your best bet is to try and be as up-front as you can about it.

Whilst I appreciate that it’s easier said than done, you refer to yourself in a disposable and insignificant terms and you need to stop. You have a hill to climb as it is, the more apparent you make that lack of confidence, the more that hill is going to seem like a mountain if you’re not careful.

You’re right. It’s not your fault and you can’t help it. That others perhaps struggle to reconcile that, or the dissonance they experience between acknowledging that and still feeling biased against it, isn’t your fault. It’s certainly demoralising, but it doesn’t devalue you. A relationship doesn’t need to be based in sex, and a strong intellectual or romantic compatibility will make it a lot easier for someone to accept and work with factors they might otherwise find to be unattractive.

And so we loop back to salesmanship. From here onwards, let’s stop referring to yourself as a super gross, small dicked, not attractive man with no personality. Affording yourself the respect of positive language is a super easy and super effective first step to brightening the way you see yourself, and thus increasing your confidence and making you more attractive to a prospective partner.


Thank you so much for replying. I did not actually noticed I did not reply to your reply until now.

You are not wrong; self confidence is certainly a big issue for me. I have tried to work on it before though it has always been incredibly hard for me.

I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship right now. I have just been thinking about posting about all of this somewhere where people would have better insight. I tried looking up if anyone had a similar experience but I could not really find if anyone posted about having similar experiences but I have never really found anything or any responses about dating and romance let alone specificly with gay men.

There are a lot of other difficulties with especially the incontinence in general and dating isn't my number one priority right this moment in my life but I do want to be in a relationship and, as I said before, I have never had any answers for this.

In truth, even if I could magically instantly find someone I don't think I should actually get into a relationship right now as I am certainly not in a good state for it emotionally if that makes sense.


I knew sort of that relationships have to be built on sex and honestly I would never want to be in a relationship that was only based on sex.
I just worry that even if I had real amazing romanic and intellectual connection with someone that this would still be an instant dealbreaker regardless of anything else that might be there but I do really hope that eventually I will be able to find a guy that I really do have a connection with where these things wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

I have heard and read before that the words you use the way that you talk about yourself really does affect how you see yourself. You are very right and I really should work on and pay attention to how I refer to myself more but, as you said, it it's easier said than done.
Also to be a bummer and self-hating doesn't leave a good impression to say the least.

I tried not to but this might be a bit rambly so hopefully this makes sense.

Thank you again, I truly appreciate what you had to say. You are very right and I think it was genuinely helpful to hear.
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