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I need personal advice/Body image issues/Dry spell in marriage

Unread postPosted: 21 March 2021, 02:40
by october93
Hey everybody. This is the only time I've typed this "out loud", so it will probably be long and rambling and just shitty in places. Apologize in advance.

So I am 27, 5'5 135 lbs. My body type is what you call skinny fat I guess. About 2 years ago i weighed from 119 to 123 lbs.

Since I got married and taken a more sedentary, less physical desk job, i've gained weight and now run in the 130s. That gain especially shows around my face, thighs, and hips.

It was not hard to gain this weight, it happened pretty fast, and it's equally as annoying as my white skin that seems to only burn red, not get tan. Again, not a lot of weight, just more of an annoyance.

However, the gain coupled with my husbabd's lack of sexual interest has lately been devastating to my self-esteem. I started losing my hair over the last 5 years as well, and i'm too nervous to shave it off due to my pale complexion! So we are talking skinny fat and bald, very little muscle tone, etc. Not exactly what you see splashed across gay instagram, right?

But i am really struggling in this appearance-obsessed world we live in. My husband is older, in his forties. His sex drive has decreased the longer we have been together. We arent having sex because he doesnt have the desire, I feel ugly because he isn't fucking me anymore, so I eat to cope with those feelings, which in turn probably worsens his drive. He says my weight gain doesnt bother him, but we havent had sex in months, little more than a peck and a love you, and off to bed. I dont believe him when he says he is still attracted to me. I'm not even attracted to me. But i have no idea how to go about getting more in shape.

Also struggling with growing older in general.

I have a good marriage, i have a good husband that i'm lucky to have, even if we arent having sex. I have a good job, i can pay all my bills. By all accounts, i should be happy. But i'm horribly sad. Lonely, even.

I feel horrible, horrible, horrible for saying this. But i dont feel like a full, 100 percent person anymore. I feel like a help desk at work, a robot who helps people with their issues and once they have resolved them, bloop, on they go and no longer interested in conversating with me. I'm just there to assist without getting any assistance.

I also work with a couple of gay guys who are older than me and - and I feel horrible for this - but since my husband has checked out sexually and doesnt even look at me naked in the bathroom - I have been trying to talk more to them or create an excuse just to talk to them. No intentions there, I just work with mostly women and I miss some form of male attention. Anything to feel alive again. But they are obviously not into me, they have been polite but they speak quickly and their eyes pass over me quickly as they walk away. Of course, yes I am married. Yes. But even if someone is married, and they are attractive, people cant help but show their attraction.

I never got much attention from guys in general, being short and skinny and balding. But now, for sure, it has dwindled to nothing .

i just want to feel alive again. we have been married right at 2 years, so maybe it is our first dry spell. But I just feel like if I'm a 27 yr old gay man - and correct me if I'm wrong - if there is no penis involved with my hands, mouth, etc. am I really a 27 yr old gay man? (Lol). I laugh but inside i'm crying. I miss having sex. There is only so much porn you can watch <alone> and self given orgasms before you start to feel really really bad about yourself and start questioning how you look.

I feel bad about everything. i feel bad i am not more grateful. i feel bad i dont turn my husband on. I feel bad i wish any man - any man - would look at me. I probably need therapy for that, actually. It's sad to be desperate for attention. A part of me just wishes my husband would treat me like a sexual object and not a roommate. Like, here I am, to be used. But no, he just sleeps over on the couch or is watching TV. And off to bed it is...

My life has become a routine. Go to work, help patients all day navigate their day to days, eat lunch and feel bad about the food i'm eating, go home, cook supper feed the dogs, chill out in front of the TV with the husband, and zonk out in order to wake up early and do it all again tomorrow.

Can anyone help me with what to eat, what exercise to do in those wee free hours from 5pm to 8? And what i can do to stop these bad thoughts? Is there anything I can do to kickstart my husband's desire? He has been declining for probably 3 months now. Politely, but still a no. I cant keep crying in the shower. Like, i just feel more than halfway dead. And i'm so sorry that this post is so miserable. i just had to finally let it out.

Re: I need personal advice/Body image issues/Dry spell in marriage

Unread postPosted: 21 March 2021, 04:19
by Raynethemagi
First of all, don't apologize for anything that you've said. You have no reason to feel ashamed for what it is you say. You're hurting....everyone hurts.

Body image can be so hard. And, it's different for everyone across-the-board. And, while I don't fully understand what you're going through, I have troubles with body image as well.

As far as this specific situation, I dunno if I can be much help. I don't know enough about skinny fat in order to properly talk about it. I've heard of it, but I've personally never had that problem and I don't know enough about how that works.

So instead I'm going to tell you the way I approach this issue. And, take the parts of my situation that you could apply to your situation.

So, I used to be fit and I used to enjoy it. I used to enjoy going to the gym all the time. I used to enjoy being active. Ever since I've been admitted to the hospital because of my mental disorder, I've gained weight because that's a side-effect of the medicine.

So, what I do, is every so often I look in the mirror and I will tell myself that I'm handsome. I know I advocate being honest with not only yourself but with others, but I have a core belief that I've been operating under lately, and I need to get rid of it. Cause honestly, I don't feel handsome. I feel ugly, and it's because I have convinced myself subconciously and even consciously that I'm ugly. But, I will tell myself I am handsome. I tell myself that I am loved by many. I tell myself that I am worth it.

That's only a part of what will fix this. The other part is searching for a solution that I can make a part of my lifestyle, such as eating the right things. I've been reading this book (THANKS BRENDEN AND RENE!) about how you use your body's own insulin to regulate your weight. I haven't gotten far, but at the end of the book is an explanation on how to loose weight using this method.

I haven't been doing any of these things lately because of deadlines and such, but, I need to start making these things as part of my routine. Because, even before I took medicine I had some problems with weight. And, in order to loose weight I had to not only eat the right things and diet, but I also had to change my perception of myself. Cause, I've realized that, yes diet and exercise is part of the equation, but if I don't have a healthy image of myself, then nothing is going to change. You can look skinny and toned, but still have a bad self-image. For me, perception and lifestyle changes are what's going to not only help me lose the weight but cement my self-image as well.

So for now, I have to convince my subconscious and conscious mind that regardless of what weight I am, that I am handsome. That, even at 280-300 lbs. that I'm worth it. That, I'm not this ugly person, because I am handsome in my own way.

That's what I have to do. I've had problems with self-image almost my entire life. But, I'm getting better at embracing my flaws. Because, whether I want to admit it or not, I am flawed. And that's just means I'm human, and that I'm growing.

Hope this helps....I'm so sorry you feel this way. I hope there's something in the way I approach it that you can take away, even if it's just a small thing I do.

Re: I need personal advice/Body image issues/Dry spell in marriage

Unread postPosted: 21 July 2021, 22:16
by pozboro
You're in control of how you perceive your own body image and while you can't change your genetics, you can change how much you care about such things as an inability to tan. Yes, society tends to view tans positively, but if one can't tan, one can't tan. Maybe it just comes with aging - the lack of desire to fight the unchangeable and accept things that can't be changed.

As for weight, you can make the decision to address that. I'll be honest, I feel a bit sorry for anyone who is stuck in feeling lower self-worth because someone isn't doing whatever to them - in your case it seems to be sexual. While I understand the emotion on a certain level, it is also very unhealthy. You mention therapy and that sounds like a good suggestion since these are very personal issues than can't really be addressed in an online forum.

I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time and don't have much to offer you there. However, I'm not buying the marriage is "good" if you feel like a roommate. However, while lots of sex might make you feel better, it won't really address the other issues you bring up - and part of the problem is there is a lot and you ask a lot of readers. I know there are lots of webpages devoted to topics like "weight loss", "keeping your man interested", and "how to tone those abs" - don't know that any of these topics are inherently unique to gay men, but maybe breaking out one or two topics and focusing attention on that to get some feedback would be more successful.

I'm truly sorry that you're in pain and wish only that you're able to find a way out of the current rut and to a happier you. But even if I shared the things that worked for me - like ending a relationship I found problematic - it's no guarantee that'd work for you. I wish you the ability to find joy in your life and to expand on it. You can also have a virtual hug if you'd like it.

Re: I need personal advice/Body image issues/Dry spell in marriage

Unread postPosted: 22 July 2021, 03:44
by pppppp42
Many people I know who are worried about looking fat actually look like that due to a lack of muscle tone. If you lack ab muscles your gut puffs out like a kid in one of those feed the children commercials. If your arm muscles and pectoral muscles are nonexistent it makes the effect even more pronounced.
Also as someone who is addicted to sex, a relationship where the sex was gone before the age of 30 would be an absolute nightmare to me. That’s decades of either no sex or cheating on him.
Now would be the age to make the decision, not five years from now.
Personally I would work my ass off to get into the best shape that you can be in, you will need that either way.
Have you tried actual tanning in a booth rather than in the sun, if you start with short times its far easier to train your skin to tan without burning using a booth than using the sun. Having a tan is a nifty cheat way to look more fit.
It’s possible to love and enjoy the company of someone who is a totally wrong fit to be your life partner. It seems like the relationship definitely has more than just physical issues. Make sure you have a social structure in place to replace always having someone around, its a bit of a shock for most people.