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New partner is overly afraid of hurting me

Unread postPosted: 3 December 2021, 20:06
by jaredjoy90
I separated from my husband 2 months ago and have gone out on a few dates with an old university friend of mine who... well I thought he was completely straight until we kissed.

My friend and I are both socially awkward. In school we'd sit together and have trouble talking with other kids. I kind of became more outgoing after school, but he is still in his shell. He has rarely dated. He knew that I was straight growing up but after my accident dated my husband for the need of a human connection sexually. My friend knew my reasoning behind dating men and the fact I'm relegated to being a bottom since my penis doesn't work properly.

When we kiss he gets hard. I touch him. He gets harder. I go down on him, and he doesn't stop me. But somewhere in there, he gets super nervous. Even though I was 100% the initiator of sex, he made me promise not to accuse him of anything because he doesn't want to go to jail. I'm like WTF??? WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX? Especially when I am clearly the one who is willing and initiating? He is also very afraid of hurting me during sex, both physically and socially.. like when he is close to cumming, he pulls out and cums on his hand. I just don't get it.

Re: New partner is overly afraid of hurting me

Unread postPosted: 3 December 2021, 21:50
by René
Have you laid this all out for him?

Do you think he might be willing to try seeing a therapist? It sounds like he might find that beneficial to work some things out.

Re: New partner is overly afraid of hurting me

Unread postPosted: 4 December 2021, 02:47
by pozzie
Yeah, really reads like you friend has got some serious hangups and they include getting sexual with you. Could be internalized homophobia but there are other possibilities that are best handled by a therapist. If nothing else, might be better to go with "just friends" -- would hate to see things turned around in a way that you become the accused.

BTW, "I was 100% the initiator of sex" is vastly different from an encounter which is "100% consensual". You might want to rethink how you talk about your encounter. As currently stated, could almost read like it wasn't consensual.

Re: New partner is overly afraid of hurting me

Unread postPosted: 20 December 2021, 19:53
by jaredjoy90
Its 100% consensual from both sides. By saying I was initiating sex, I'm stressing I am consenting to it. He isn't the type to initiate anything.

Anyways, we've played around a bit more. Its been fun for the most part. He is starting to get the hang of it and not as worried about offending me in any way. To me anyways: I don't mind getting a little dirty during sex. He thought it was demeaning to me, it's not.

Re: New partner is overly afraid of hurting me

Unread postPosted: 24 December 2021, 08:15
by katzgar
look at it as a process