Page 1 of 1

Very mixed signals from straight bestfriend

Unread postPosted: 23 December 2021, 09:54
by bmondo21
This is about to be a long post but I seriously need somebody's help/advice. I am a male and bisexual, except I've never told anyone. My best friend Matt is presumably straight, as I know the girls he's been with in the past, however, I've always wondered if he was actually bi. Starting about 2 years ago, Matt and I began getting REALLY comfortable with each other. We'd talk in graphic detail about jerking off, blowing our loads, sex with girls, watching porn etc. I get most guy friends do stuff like that, but we could go on and on for hours and frequently did. We are both in our mid 20s and have been friends since highschool. We've also been through everything together. He has a lot of emotional problems and suffers from bouts of severe depression. I've seen him at his worst and he's seen me at mine. We've always had each other's backs and its been tried and tested that we will do absolutely anything for the other. I love him and care about him more than I can describe. And I know he feels the same way about me. We've never been too shy or macho to express how special we are, and we tell each other things that we would never tell anyone else. We have a true brotherly bond.
Here's the story: Our mutual friend has a camper at a place in the summertime that we've gone to many times now. One night, in August 2020, Matt and I kind of hooked up there. The two of us and our other friend got drunk and high, and me and Matt had been talking about jerking off all day, at moments when our other friend wasn't paying attention. We had gotten pretty excited off all of it so we decided that when we go inside to sleep in the bunkbeds that we would jerk off and tell each other when we came. Before heading inside the three of us chilled on the deck with our feet on the table. Matt and I were across from each other and he just kept staring at me. We actually started playing footsie on the table. I can still feel how he pressed and rubbed his socked feet on mine, occasionally gripping my toes with his. It was very hot. At one point our other friend with the camper looked up from his phone and said "you guys should just fuck already." I couldn't tell if he was joking or not but we kept going until it was time to go inside. Once inside the bunkroom I took the top one and Matt took the bottom one. As I pulled down my boxers to jerk like we said, I saw the shadow of my his head and shoulders facing me next to the bed. It was so dark I could hardly see him but he was there. He asked me if I wanted him to jerk me off. "Why do you want to?" I asked. He said "because its been a long time for both of us and I want you to feel deserve to feel good." Its true that neither of us had been laid in some time, but I still was kind of shocked that my bestfriend, who always talks about girls and has gotten with a few, wanted to fool around with me. I said okay and I felt him reach out for my dick which was by this point rock solid. At first he couldn't find it because it was so dark in that room, but I guided his hand to it and he took hold of it. I heard him let out a deep sigh as he grabbed it, like he'd been wanting to do that for so long and was overwhelmed that he finally was getting the chance. He jerked me for a little more than a minute before letting go and rubbing his own. I asked him if he was hard as well and reached way down off the side of the bed where he was standing and felt his dick pointing through his boxers. He then asked me if I wanted him to finger my ass to which I replied no (truly was not ready for that at the time). He said alright and I told him he could jerk me again though if he wanted. After another minute with that he put his hand on my balls, gave them a rub, and then ran his hand backwards up my shaft and let go. He then asked me if I wanted him to come up to my bunk so I could suck him off. I think our heads were still a little blitzed from the weed because I remember it took me way longer than it should've to realize that that two grown male bodies on one bunkbed would probably break the whole thing. However, I was going to say yes and suggest that I come down to his bunk to do it there instead when we heard our other friend from the living room say something like "you guys still awake? I can hear you whispering." Thankfully he couldn't make out exactly what was going on just next door to him, but it caused me and Matt to get spooked and stop fooling around. We laid there in our own respective bunks. We jerked ourselves and I watched him ejaculate on his stomach, illuminated by his iPhone light that he put on so I could see. After we both finished I made one of the absolute biggest mistakes of my life. I leaned over from the bed and told him that we shouldn't do these things because we aren't gay and it could ruin our friendship if we go too far. I told him that we should just forget this ever happened, not tell anyone, and not even mention it to one another. He said "yeah" each time like he agreed, but I could hear how sad, ashamed, and embarrassed he sounded. Eventhough I never said anything like "this was all your doing!" I'm sure he must've still blamed himself for it and felt wrong. Like a complete idiot, I fixed it so that both us were forced to just deal with it on our own. The first and only time we didn't work something out together. I truly didn't mean to be so inconsiderate and unfair, I was just concerned about our friendship and I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted to tell him that I liked it and wanted what was happening as much as he did but I just didn't know how. The next morning was super awkward and it took until we had packed up the car and were leaving the campgrounds before we spoke, finally breaking the ice over something funny. I've felt like shit ever since.
Fast forward to now. We still have never discussed what happened at our buddy's camper that night. However, we have more than continued our sexual talks. All the usual subject matter, except since that hook up things have escalated dramatically. We don't just talk about things in detail anymore. We've stayed up till 3 or 4am, jerking off in the car under our pants after hanging out with others much earlier. We egg each other on and show each other how hard we are. We masturbate almost to the point of climax. He'll always press his sweatpants or boxers tightly around his dick print so we can see how it looks, and he's watched me do the same thing. We've both also said some WILD stuff to each other in the middle of our jerk sessions. He's told me that he would suck his own dick if he could and has thought about busting on his own face. He also said that he wishes he had a dick that was so long and curved he could put it behind his back and feel what it feels like to have cum shoot on his back. I would honestly say that we spend 90% of these "end of the night" times getting each other hot and hard by talking about our dicks and different ways of pleasuring ourselves. The last 10% or so is talk about sex with girls. Sometimes after we part ways for the night, we end up give each other a detailed play by play of our masturbation through text, making sure to not get started without the other. The descriptions can get pretty intense. Practically like sexting. He and I also look at each other constantly and for way longer than normal. We're always talking, making each other laugh, and doing more than flirty stuff. I've watched him take a mini M&M containers, water bottles, fruit roll-ups etc. and stick it down his throat, simulating deep-thoating a dick with sound effects. He'll only do this level stuff with me. Matt and I have also gotten super touchy/feely with each other's hands and fingers. Just last weekend we were over one of our other friend's apartments and when our friend had to leave for an hour or two, he entrusted us to his place. Matt and I were alone on the couch, watching youtube off his phone and getting very close to one another. From then on we were practically on top of each other the rest of the day. While our friend wasn't noticing, Matt reached out his hand to mine which was resting on a couch pillow between us. I put my hand in his like a handshake and before long we were caressing and rubbing each other's hands. Playing with our fingers and interlocking them several times. One of us also would close our fingers to make a hole, while the other used their pointer finger to fuck it. We switched off like this for a while and then again when he was dropping me off home for about 15 minutes straight. Zero talking, just sensual finger action and some sexy eye contact. We were also pretty high but still...if anyone saw the questionable things we do together they would undoubtedly think we are a couple.
There's honestly so much more I could go into about us and the things we do and say that push the envelope, but I still have my doubts sometimes. Lately I have been picking up on all of these hints and flirting back hard. I've been coming to terms with my own bisexuality, and I've been thinking about that night at the campgrounds a lot. I might be falling for him. When I say something flirty or questionable to test the waters, sometimes he doesn't always respond with the same energy. Sometimes while we're having a jerk session under our pants, he'll start talking about doing hot stuff to and with various body parts, but then puts a disclaimer at the end saying things like, "I'd love to do xyz to a girl," or "its okay because experimenting when its with yourself or a chick isn't gay." In my head I'm like dude you literally couldn't escalate some of the things you say any more so and still be considered straight but ok lol.
I just feel like one of two things is happening here. Either he's trying to tell me in a subtle way that he doesn't swing that way and that I need to cool it, or that he's bi-curious and down to fool around with me again. There seems like a strong case to be made for both. I feel like I'm going insane because I constantly go back and forth in my head about him. I'm terrified to make a real move because there's an entire friendship on the line here. I don't want to lose him as a friend or make things awkward by confessing my feelings if he actually isn't into me. The fact that we never talked about what happened at our friend's camper last year makes me feel like he wants to still secretly screw around (sort of like unfinished business), but doesn't know exactly how to say it since I was the one who said we shouldn't ever talk about it. He might be sending mixed signals and deflecting to "straight talk," as a defense in case he's misreading my signs too! It's so frustrating and upsetting. What heterosexual bestfriends play with each other's fingers, check out each other's boners, or do pretty much any of the stuff we do?
Does anybody agree that there's gotta be something between us?
Should I finally bring up the camper night and go from there? Come clean about how I liked what we did and tell him that I'm sorry for how poorly I handled it?
Any advice or input to my situation would be greatly appreciated.

Re: Very mixed signals from straight bestfriend

Unread postPosted: 23 December 2021, 19:21
by pozzie
First off, welcome to the forum.

I'll be honest, the post was a little too long and I skipped the bottom quarter - third up to when you ask actual questions. (It was like reading quasi-porno. I care less about the physical and more about the emotional.) I tend to think the following observation/comment is pretty spot on.

bmondo21 wrote:At one point our other friend with the camper looked up from his phone and said "you guys should just fuck already."

One thing I can't seem to say enough: playing around or having sex with another dude doesn't mean one is gay. As you've said, people can still identify as bi if they feel that's the best descriptor for them at a given time. And they can change their mind. Totally normal.

Yes, it's a shame that not only did you allow homophobia and guilt to creep into your mind, but you've now interjected it into your friendship. You guys are clearly into each other, just get over it and enjoy yourselves. Yes, sexualizing any relationship can make things more difficult, especially if one partner starts talking about others and the other partner gets jealous. Deal with that if you have to.

Sometimes same-sex friendships get really intense. It's pretty much a fact of life. Watch Brokeback Mountain some day if you haven't seen it yet. Call the relationship 'special' if you want. After all, it might be the only same-sex fling one of you has - or not. Does it really matter if you guys treat each other right (and no, that doesn't include homophobic guilt fests) and it brings you joy and happiness.

IDK, seems like things have gotten tangled up and one of you needs to try and untangle them. I can't tell you what's in your friend's mind and heart, but if you can't talk honestly and openly, you'll never know either. Try to get past worrying about what labels mean and try to figure out what it is you guys really want. So yeah, figuring out a way to talk to him is where you need to start. Maybe something like, after the next time things start to get a bit physical, just say, "You comfortable with this and not worrying about calling it anything?" If he says he is, then just work to be positive and let him know how much you enjoy his company. If you can sweep aside the homophobia, nature might even just take its course, but if you're friend is still committed to being straight, you just need to prepare yourself for when a woman comes into his life that he really likes: it might be time to move on. (I'm not a big fan of being in a relationship with one person while going on camping/fishing trips to Brokeback Mountain with another - especially if one of the parties is kept in the dark. Bad form.)

Re: Very mixed signals from straight bestfriend

Unread postPosted: 24 December 2021, 22:25
by Eryx
I mean, isn't it kind of obvious?