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Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 12 August 2019, 22:55
by Pomstar
Dear all,
I am currently going through a difficult and confusing period of time hence, decided to share my situation and hope to see what you guys would say.

I am in my late 30s and recently broke off with my bf of 10 years of similar age. Reasons being I have extremely high sex drive and he has practically none as well as somehow we changed somewhat over the years and also because we started to drift. Even when we had sex during rare occasion, he was poor under the sheet in many sense. The poor sex match started early in the r/s and I gave it a go any way before I decided to call it quit 2 years later in the r/s. However, he refused to break off and he was a funny and caring fellow so I stayed, and never once strayed in the r/s. You can imagine my frustration of not getting my need for intimacy and carnal pleasure satisfied with a living being all these years. He offered to have an open r/s but I said it's just not about the sex and I am not sure if I want to have sex with someone who is not my bf if I am in a r/s (I was pretty conservative) so we broke up anyway. Prior to him, I had other short relationships and was told I was great in bed. As such, I always feel I am wilting and wasting my body away. From time to time, I get depressed but most of the time I managed to push it away since he was a decent bf who helped me much in my life (just not a superb bf but I know not to push my luck).

So months after the break up, I decided to try for casual sex for the first time in my life, something which I have never done before. I started to go on app and for months nothing happened. Finally, it happened mere days ago that I found this fellow through app whom I had nice feeling about in our brief chat so I met him and see how it would go. We made it clear it could just be cuddle or even nothing at all with us just leaving if things are not pleasant. He turned out to be better looking than his photos and I felt really comfortable with him. What followed was we had an unexpected amazing non-stop sex for three hours straight. Our sexual chemistry was surprisingly amazing. He was a generous lover, making sure to explore and pleasure almost every single spot of my body. I felt so wanted and so loved. I enjoyed pleasure both physically and emotionally, something that I had always wanted during that 10 years of r/s. After the 3 hours, we even took some time to cuddle and made some small chats or praising and showing appreciation for each other. I left with him saying hope to see me soon again. Maybe it was just polite lip service, but since he said the sex was amazing and he had a very intense orgasm, I'm inclined to believe he meant to meet again. During the session, I also realised he was too young for me for anything serious (mid 20s), financially unstable as hes a postgrad student, and we don't exactly share similar sense of humour which I think is an important key in a r/s so I guess these are good reasons that I won't end up getting too involved with him emotionally. I left a happy man thinking I hit the jackpot in finding a wonderful sex buddy, and looking forward to the next session. I was wrong... I started to miss him caressing me the very next day. I miss the physical and even more so, the emotional connection during the session. However, from our follow-up messaging, I know the wonderful sensation and tenderness he gave me and made me felt like he was my lover was only restricted within the session. They didn't follow through to beyond the session itself although he would drop a few plain "hi, wassup?" almost daily but nothing much more. But I would tell he wasn't super keen to chat and know me more as he only answered my message 6-10 hours later and they were rather brief. I started to feel the longing like a drug withdrawal. I smiled when I looked at his online photos. I don't think I would be so into him if we never been connected intimately, perhaps just a friend that I think is a nice person. I read up articles online and they were very useful to identify my symptoms and offer great advice which I tried to stick to but not very successfully... There is no gay support group at where I am... I don't really have anyone to talk to except for one friend (which is great as he has been through such emotions himself) and I hope to hear more from others. I am thinking right now, maybe casual sex is not for me, but the thought itself saddened me also. Didn't get my sex in a monogamous relationship, got it now that I am single but things got real complicated and I am confused and upset. Also obviously, open r/s option with my ex won't work out too apparently. And now I seemed to be infatuated with my sex buddy. Instead of sleeping to get prepare for work tomorrow, I am losing sleep typing this long posting... sigh... I hope you guys can share with me your objective insights or similar personal experiences to help me tide over this very upsetting period. I even thought of going for support group for the first time in my life but there is none for gays at my area... Well.. I apologise for the long writeup. I know I sound like a loser and a wreck which is rather unbecoming of someone in his late 30s...all these confusing and weird sensation from the casual hook up is really new to me so please bear with me. Thanks all... I appreciate it.

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 03:20
by Eryx
I don't think the problem is casual sex, you're just needy from being with someone who couldn't please you appropriately for so many years. If you take some time to meet different guys and have actual good sex, you'll see that this infatuation was premature and not that special. There are thousands of hot guys out there to have sex with, and many of them will be great. You'll learn not to fall in love with them as you see how many options you have. You've made the mistake of settling for someone who isn't your match because you felt like you couldn't find someone better, but now you know that's not the case, so get this guy out of your head and go explore.

You'll get less needy as the time passes, and both your feet will be on the ground when you finally meet someone you want to keep around.

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 14:35
by René
Aww. :hug:

You may well find value in Eryx's comments, but it is certainly possible that casual sex will never be really fulfilling to you and you really need that emotional connection (and to have someone who actually loves you rather than just making you feel loved, while also meeting your sexual needs).

I'm curious, how did you and your ex originally meet?

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 18:13
by Pomstar
@Eryx
Thank you for your swift reply, I really appreciate it! And yes, you were concise and most likely very on point. My one friend that I have spoken to also commented similarly to you. I am now trying to find other guys to hook up to make myself realise indeed that one amazing encounter isn't the only one that is going to be and I shouldn't be so obsessed with it. I just hope, I will not start to hook up a lot for the wrong reasons or end up a very jaded gay man. I have no idea how I would evolve and trying to thread carefully now. Once again, thanks a lot Eryx.
Sidetrack: you have an attractive face. no no, nothing to do with the above. Just a comment. =)

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 18:22
by Eryx
Thank you! :) Good luck with everything! I hope you stick around, there is lots of good content around here and maybe you'll be the one helping someone else out in the future ;)

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 18:41
by Pomstar
@Rene
yes, you might be possibly right too. I am not sure if casual sex is for me because if I can have the choice, I would definitely like to simply settle for one good, satisfying lover and that's it. Although I can be pretty adventurous but I can forgo it if I meet the right person.

I really like the way you mentioned "loves you" and "feel loved" (well put). Indeed that seemed to be the case and one could easily fall into the trap of settling for "feel loved" when they can't get someone who "loves you". I am trying to be very mindful of that. As mentioned previously, I am also trying to not end up jaded and make a mess out of myself by spreading my butt cheeks like a public bus/tram during peak hour. However, I am not too hopeful about the "love you". From past experience, I have really crappy luck with love and relationship... Not deliberately trying to be negative-nancy but I feel so sick that I am back into the vast ocean, twirling in a whirlpool seeking for that elusive Mr. Right... sigh.

He messaged me on an online gay site and we met up for dinner since we stayed near each other and I wanted to find more friends to dine with around my area. Wasn't attracted to him at all during the first meeting and he was very quiet, however, a second dinner shown that he was very chatty and humorous once warmed up (we had a common sense of humour). Very shortly, he shown interest in me romantically and although I know we ain't exactly soulmates, but he was a very decent guy who made me laugh + we had very good open communication so I decided to give it a go after being single for 5 years (with no sex, no hookups). Yup. *shrugs*

Re: Lost and confused after first hook-up

Unread postPosted: 13 August 2019, 19:04
by Pomstar
@Eryx
Thank you. Yes, I hope to stick around. =)