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What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 14 July 2020, 20:23
by GreenPlumber
I don’t know if you remember me, but I already wrote a topic on this forum. So, I’m 21, I’m studying translation at college and I’ve never been in a relationship. Over the last few months, I’ve been feeling something really strong for a guy. I’ve already had a lot of crushes, but this time, I know it’s love because I’ve never felt that way before. Basically, we have an activity called “Tea Time” at college in which students can meet to practice English. I met him for the first time, there, in October, I think. At the beginning, I just noticed him and thought he looked cute but since he was pretty shy, we didn’t talk a lot. I didn’t even know he was gay. However, I caught him looking at me several times in the hallways. The first time, I thought to myself “Why is that guy staring at me like that?”, but then I thought “Hey… maybe he’s gay?”. One of my friends told me “no, he’s straight… don’t even try”, just because he is pretty masculine and she seems to believe that all gay guys are effeminate(when I came out to her, she didn’t even believe me in the first place, for the same reason). I told her that she should not trust her stereotypes and so at some point, one of the rare times that guy did say something at Tea Time, he told us he was gay.

I was happy my assumptions were true and after that, I only had one idea in mind: getting closer to him. Unfortunately, the exam period came and I didn’t see him at that time(he was in his first year and I was in my second year). During that period I checked his Facebook profile to learn a little bit more about him. He’s not someone who uses social media that much, so there was not really much to see. I was pretty confused, though, because his profile said he was single, but there was a date with a heart at the top of his biography… So, I wondered whether he was in a relationship. I thought to myself: “well… we never know”.
So, after the exams, I decided to get closer to him. I started talking to him a lot outside of Tea Time and we got along very well. He is really kind and we share a lot of common interests. After chatting a few times with him… what was a simple crush, developed in something much stronger… I had never been so in love. Unfortunately, after a while, I came back to reality when in the middle of one discussion, he talked to me about his boyfriend. I have to work on that, but it’s hard to me to handle rejection, so I was pretty depressed for a while. It was the first time I had gone that far(usually I’m quite shy), but I felt like all my efforts were in vain.
We stayed in good terms though, since he was kind and seemed to like me as a friend at least. We did see each other quite regularly at college. And even when I didn’t come towards him, he came towards me. He’s always been really nice to me. Of course, since I knew he was in a relationship, I decided to respect his boundaries and look for other guys. I decided to stop dropping hints that I liked him as well and I was just determined to stay his friend. The problem was that, I couldn’t get him off my mind. I couldn’t forget my feelings and see him as a mere friend. Every moment spent with him was like the best moment of my life to me and I couldn’t get enough. I did try Tinder and Grindr to change my mind, though… but it didn’t work. It was really difficult to get matches on Tinder and on Grindr, only creepy perverts came to me.

But then, all of a sudden… the lockdown came and I thought it would be a good occasion to forget that guy. I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to contact him, since he already had a boyfriend and I respected that and I wanted to move on… So, I stayed on Grindr and started talking a lot to a guy, who was a bit weird for a month…(I won’t explain it in detail unless you want, since it’s not the main topic). Anyway, after a while I started to depress… because I felt like I would never find someone(pretty stupid I know, but I think we all have those periods, especially when we’re young).

A bit less than a month ago, I discovered that the date on that guy’s profile had disappeared and deduced he was available again. I didn’t know what to do, but my friends told me “hey… why don’t you try to text him?”. I hesitated a lot… but last week, I finally found the courage to text him. We did talk a lot. I asked him how he was doing and how he spent the lockdown. He told me he had passed all his classes except for English. Then, we kept talking about random stuff and he even asked me questions about my life. So, the conversation was pretty long and he did show some interest. The next day, he came back to me to ask if I would be able to help him with English even though he has a private teacher. He even apologized when he asked me like he was afraid to bother me. He said something along the lines of: “Sorry, I know it can be really annoying, but would you accept to help me with my English exams? I’m even ready to pay you!” So I told him that I had no problem with that and that he didn’t owe me any money, but that we had to find a date, since I wouldn’t be available in August. Then we kept talking about random stuff and the conversation was pretty long as well. I came back to him on Wednesday, though, but the conversation was a bit shorter, but still cool. Then, I had no news until yesterday… he told me that he didn’t want to bother me with his English exams, since he was satifised with his private teacher at the moment and that he would come back to me if he really had some doubts. I replied a bit late(since I was busy), but I told him “If you want, but I have no problem with that… remember that I have nothing else to do, that it’s always a pleasure to help and that I do it willingly.” He opened the message this afternoon, almost 24h after I had sent it and didn’t reply. Why does he ask for my help even though he has a private teacher and then why did he change his mind all of a sudden? I don’t feel like I made a wrong move and I haven’t even been flirtatious with him. Plus, during the whole conversation, nothing awkward happened and he seemed to be quite comfortable. And do I have to take it as a bad sign that he hasn’t replied to my last text? And has he understood that I’m into him?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 14 July 2020, 21:43
by Eryx
I remember your story.

Maybe he just actually wanted help with English, but then realized that he was figuring it out on his own and that it wouldn't be necessary. Or maybe he's just not really interested in study sessions, just thought he was. It's like my friend's mother, she wanted to improve her English and reached out to me, I told her to get back to me with a date and she disappeared forever. She didn't want it that much.

If you want to be released from this for good, just fucking tell him you like him and that you want to go on a date with him. Yes means green light to pursue something -- though I think you should be careful because he'd go for you earlier if you were really his type -- and no means you've been definitely shot down and should focus on getting over it.

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 15 July 2020, 07:29
by GreenPlumber
Eryx wrote:I remember your story.

Maybe he just actually wanted help with English, but then realized that he was figuring it out on his own and that it wouldn't be necessary. Or maybe he's just not really interested in study sessions, just thought he was. It's like my friend's mother, she wanted to improve her English and reached out to me, I told her to get back to me with a date and she disappeared forever. She didn't want it that much.

If you want to be released from this for good, just fucking tell him you like him and that you want to go on a date with him. Yes means green light to pursue something -- though I think you should be careful because he'd go for you earlier if you were really his type -- and no means you've been definitely shot down and should focus on getting over it.

Thanks for your reply, Eryx. That's what I'm planning to do. I want to confess my feelings for good to be freed from my doubts once and for all. I didn't tell him earlier because he had a boyfriend until recently, though and I wanted to respect his boundaries and get over it. Maybe he would have come to me earlier if I were really his type, I don't know, only him can tell me, but I know I shouldn't hope too much.

As I said, he broke up fairly recently though, so maybe he still has to get over it. And he's usually quite shy and not very talkative. I don't want to tell him by text, however, since it would be an act of cowardice, in my opinion. And the thing is, I'm not supposed to know he's single again, because he hasn't told me in person. So, I think it's not a good idea to tell him until then. I think the best thing to do is to leave him alone for now and to tell him everything in September once we see each other at college again!

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 15 July 2020, 14:19
by Eryx
Good luck! Keep us posted.

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 20 September 2020, 10:03
by GreenPlumber
So the situation has evolved a bit since last time... but I'm still a bit lost.
I reached out to him after more than one month, and we talked for more than one hour, he was still really reactive, asked me questions, used smilies and his answers were quite long. At the end of the conversation, he even thanked me for reaching out to him. I was happy that the conversation worked well, but I replied once he was already offline. I told him that it was normal and that he didn't have to thank me for that, because it was normal and I also told him "feel free to contact me, if you want to talk too ;)". Those messages have been left on delivered for almost one month, I'm sure he saw the preview, but the fact he leaves me on delivere makes me doubt a lot...
It doesn't seem like he wants to avoid me, because otherwise we wouldn't have talked for so long and he would have acted cold and distant in the conversation.
I've never gotten so many mixed signals from a guy, I know he's very shy and broke up fairly recently, but still.... He gave me some signs of interest irl, like checking me out, making sexual innuendos or getting upset when I was talking about my matches on Tinder to a friend and he has always acted in a kind way towards me. So, I'm surprised

Why would you think he would have left me on delivered for so long, I'm confused?

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 20 September 2020, 14:50
by René
Sometimes it's important not to read into stuff too much. Some guys are really good at giving off mixed signals like this but are completely oblivious to it and not doing it on purpose.

He's very shy. Explicitly expressing romantic interest is a big step and can be very scary. You could be his type and he could be totally interested. The signals seem consistent with that. He wouldn't necessarily have told you by now. He may never tell you. And if he doesn't, he may live in regret forever, haha. You sound like a catch to be honest (ook al ben je dan Belg, hahahaha grapje ;)).

You mentioned he got upset when you talked about your Tinder matches to a friend. Could you elaborate on that point?

Re: What's happening with my crush?

Unread postPosted: 6 October 2020, 19:16
by GreenPlumber
René wrote:Sometimes it's important not to read into stuff too much. Some guys are really good at giving off mixed signals like this but are completely oblivious to it and not doing it on purpose.

He's very shy. Explicitly expressing romantic interest is a big step and can be very scary. You could be his type and he could be totally interested. The signals seem consistent with that. He wouldn't necessarily have told you by now. He may never tell you. And if he doesn't, he may live in regret forever, haha. You sound like a catch to be honest (ook al ben je dan Belg, hahahaha grapje ;)).

You mentioned he got upset when you talked about your Tinder matches to a friend. Could you elaborate on that point?


Thank you for your answer René! Well I have my answer since things have evolved and unfortunately... that guy has a boyfriend, so I have to give up :/ I'm very bad at reading signs x) I'm probably not that much of a catch, but I'm flattered, thanks xD. And yes I'm Belgian, but from the French speaking part ;)