Gay Forum

Hi all. Really need some advice. I met my girlfriend 3 years ago and twice this year we have broke up. The first time back in May this year, i emotionally shut down and did nothing but moan. After she spoke to her ex she walked out. Her and her ex have bad history and her family dis approve because of how violent the ex was 9 years ago. Yes was communicating with her ex for 4 weeks until we got back together. 5 months later she spoke to her ex again and again walked out saying she wasn't happy. It has been 8 weeks now and i know she is back seeing her ex despite her sons disapproval (one son has disowned her because of it) Her ex lives 3 hours away and far as i know my ex goes to see her every couple weeks. My ex never really gave me a proper reason why she left and did it by text message as she did in May. I hate to say it but the communication between us has got really nasty. I know i should have left her to her own devices for a while but i couldn't. She says she hates me but i don't believe that.
I am now trying not to message and perhaps contact her when all calms down. I am really struggling with it,finding it hard to focus because i love her.
I find it hard to believe this would work between them as not only was it a bad relationship 9 years ago,she is set to upset hr whole family,especially her 2 sons as they went through it when they were younger and cannot forget. She says she has no plan on moving back to her ex,she has a life here and a good job. She is the type that seeks excitement all the time and believe that her ex offers her that at the moment.
I have done and said some horrible things and am currently getting help for my issues. I have threatened to lose her job for her,communicated with her sons about her which she was angry about. I know i have been wrong but i didn't handle my emotions very well.
I don't know the best way to make her realise i am sorry and i did this all out of anger and sadness. I know she said she hates me but i just think its anger. Few days before she walked out she said how much she loved me,had same sort of comments back in May which she admitted she just said that and didn't mean it.
Any advice on what i should do please? I know most will say move on but i love her and feel when all this has calmed down i should reach out to her one last time. Just not sure how long i should leave it before trying et.. Thanks for reading

Your relationship sounds fairly toxic, and you both sound like you are leaning on each other for exactly the type of support that the other is not really able to provide. She’s a mother, you threatened her relationship with her children and she apparently took it seriously. You’re never gonna get yourself back from that, not all the way.

The kindest thing you can do for her, and yourself, is draw a line under this relationship. Move on romantically, this relationship can’t be that anymore. If you’re lucky, one day you two can find your way back to talking socially, but don’t push it and dont rely on it.

You’re getting help for yourself, and that’s a great thing, but in order for that help to work effectively, you need to be worrying about yourself and not chasing down sources of self-destructive behaviour from your past.

Thanks for your reply. It wasn't toxic,we got on very well,her text saying she was leaving come out of the blue. She had already done the damage to one of her sons back in May and that was nothing to do with me. I have always got on well with her boys and have general chit chat. They are no longer children, they are 27 and 30. They watched their mother try and commit suicide 3 times over this ex girlfriend previously, they make their own decisions on how they feel about her going back with her ex. She abandoned them when they were kids to move to Tenerife with this girl. The family have a lot to dislike the ex for. I just find it hard to believe that she would choose her ex over her kids again

She didn’t choose her ex over her kids, she chose her ex over you. By your own admission, you became emotionally unavailable and a source of negativity, you made threats to lose her her job and whilst I don’t want to jump to conclusions, it’s fairly easy to make the leap that - for whatever reason - you were emotionally abusive. Your ex certainly seems to have a history of gravitating towards emotionally unavailable partners.

I’m genuinely not condemning or condoning you or your actions in the run up to the collapse of this relationship, but it certainly doesn’t seem like it should’ve come as a surprise.

I think it’s a great thing that you’re getting help for your issues and I think, at least for now, you should concentrate on that.

Yes i agree what you are saying but my ex has been emotionally abusive to me as well, my problem is i act badly on my emotions, she just kept digging and digging at me until i flipped.She knows how to push my buttons, even when i was trying to be amicable about her collecting her stuff she still continued to be nasty. There was no need for it as i did nothing seriously wrong in the beginning for her to walk out.

Try and read what you’re writing from the perspective of someone outside of the relationship. Try and imagine this is a friend of yours talking about their relationship. Do you still not see how it appears toxic?

Yes maybe but sometimes hard to put on paper what the relationship was like, we got on fine when together,she never let on she was unhappy,feel she should have spoke to me first. It only toxic when we split up,case of tit for tat that got out of hand

Anyway i am just going to leave her alone

niknax71 wrote:Anyway i am just going to leave her alone

Stay strong. I know it’s hard, but you will be happy in the long run!

Thank you