Gay Forum

Hi everyone. Just wondering if I could get some advice please. This is going to be long, sorry

I've (34, M, UK) had three short relationships and one that lasted 2 years. Usually I can't get past a third date before the guy ghosts me. Friends have told me I'm "too nice" and that I try to see the best in people, so that's why I get led on and used so much. 

In August-September I dated a guy after having 2.5 years off from dating because I'd got sick of being used and led on. He was romantic and actions backed up words. He invited himself to stay at my flat on the third date which I thought was presumptuous, but let it slide. One thing led to another and the next evening he texted me "After we were done with bedroom stuff, I just felt meh about it." which is probably the most insulting thing I've been told so far. I considered giving up again but decided not to let him beat me. 

I matched with a guy (Paolo, 32, M) on Tinder at the end of November, from South America but living 1.5 hours away from me by train. Tons in common - looking for monogamy, both been treated badly, masculine, goes to the gym, passionate about music and loves heavy metal gigs, and he's very into video games. We hit it off and texted regularly, before I travelled to meet him in early December. As he'd been working we only had three hours together, but I ended up getting the last train home because we got on so well, giving us an extra hour. We made a couple of plans to meet over Xmas but a storm cancelled trains the first time, then he tested positive for covid. 

All this time we've been texting regularly through the day and video calling 2-3 times a week and talking for 2-3 hours, setting it up like a date. 

He usually initiated texting in mornings and evenings and I initiated all but one call. We played online on the PS4 together. He was very forthcoming with compliments and told me a few times he wasn't interested in dating anyone else, and that he wanted a boyfriend in my city. 

But he overthinks a lot, for example when I said that in my experience guys always hope the grass is greener elsewhere. I found out two days later that he took that as me giving him a veiled warning that I'm doing that. 

As I live alone I can form a "support bubble" during lockdown, so two weekends ago he came to stay with me and it was really good. The lines are a bit blurred when it comes to how many dates we've had - yes we've only had two in person now, but due to covid we've taken advantage of other options. 

When he got home he told me he felt depressed, which started ringing alarm bells for me. I said it must be because he misses me, but didn't get a reply and a few hours later he just texted me "Goodnight hottie x". 

I started feeling like he was going to pull away as usually happens. He still texted me the next two days but I felt it was a bit less and then 14 days ago I replied to him that I felt disappointed because I knew it was unlikely we'll see each other again. He asked was he not good enough, so I clarified that he was, but I feel he's pulling away. He took it badly and said I probably found someone "better". I said we need to talk about this properly and he agreed. I tried calling but he didn't pick up or return it. I texted the next morning saying I hope he's OK and slept well, and he replied he hoped I was too. It's worth mentioning he'd previously done similar, saying I was quiet and something had changed since he cancelled the date due to the storm stopping trains.

10 days ago I checked in on how he's doing and he replied "Sorry I didn’t message you before I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me last time". I apologised and said I was just overthinking and let my dating anxiety get the best of me. He asked what I meant, so I tried calling and he texted "one sec, sister on the phone". 

Didn't get anything until 9 days ago when he texted "Hey Mike... I’m sorry I couldn’t call you I guess I just don’t feel in the mood to talk to many people at the moment. I think after what you told me I felt like there was something wrong with me on Saturday that you didn’t like and you were using an quick exit excuse or something like that... I just didn’t know where that came from since I was messaging you as normal cause I liked our second date but well. I was overthinking a lot about what I did wrong and all that so I haven’t been feel ok about myself lately plus my everyday life concerns. This is just to explain how I feel as I don’t know what your thinking at the moment or feeling..." 

I replied "You did nothing wrong, I wouldn't have changed anything about Saturday. I was just overthinking - I wasn't trying to end it. If you don't know how I'm feeling, the only way to fix that is a call. I'm not going to explain over text because that leads to misunderstandings." 

He didn't reply, so 8 days ago I sent "Right, I'm just going to put this out there... do you see us going anywhere? Because I do. I like you. I think we have something really good and want to see where we go." 

He replied 7 days ago "I do but I think about last week I freaked out a little bit and put me off in a way, specially this time of lockdown that makes me get more crazy than I am", to which I replied "So you left me hanging for a week, not telling me anything... I don't really understand how you can put yourself off dating me? You do know that if you'd spoken to me, you could have avoided freaking out so much and thinking you'd done something wrong when you stayed over? 

I would be interested in seeing where it goes because we do have lots in common, but would I be wasting my time?". 

He replied "I didn’t left you hanging for a week, you were the one who told me that you were disappointed because I “wasn’t messaging you the same and I was distant” I thought that was a quick way to get me out if the picture like many people have done with me in the past. also like if that wasn’t enough we are now trapped in a never ending lockdown... " 

I replied "I just mean that I did try to talk to you. I had no idea what was going on in your head, but now I know what you were thinking, I know that talking would have avoided you thinking that way. I did apologise and say I was overthinking. I wasn't trying to get you out of the picture." 

No reply. The next day, 6 days ago, as I hadn't had the chance to explain in a call, I sent this to try and get my side across: "Hey Paolo. I just want to say I'm so sorry that what I said last week made you feel so bad. I messed up. 

I took your text about feeling depressed as being like when that guy texted me that sex with me made him feel "meh". I overthought, convinced myself you were going to dump me, and I tried to preempt it. As you've said, we've both had that from loads of guys in the past. I've regretted what I said ever since - it's a horrible, sick feeling. 

Our time together that weekend was amazing and I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It meant a lot to me that you made that trip to see me. Meeting you was also a high point in an otherwise s***ty year. 

Te he extrañado. I really hope you're doing OK x". 

Not heard from him since. He's not removed me from Facebook, Tinder or his 'close friends' list on the PS4, and his online status still shows on WhatsApp, the main way we communicate. 

I've gone no contact since as I know doing otherwise would push him away. It's 14 days since it fell apart and I'm still crying each day. I genuinely like this guy a lot and I'm more cut up about this than previous ones. 

My idea was that I'll drop him a message saying I've started playing his favourite video game and make a comment about it (I've had it downloaded for a while) - something that's not about the bad situation, but relates back to something that attracted us to each other in the first place. My question is, how long do you suggest I leave it? I don't want too much time to pass in case he stops missing me and moves on. I was thinking about this coming weekend as I'm off work next week, which gives me time to mope if it goes badly haha. 

Also, do you think reconciliation sounds possible? You obviously don't know him, but what does it sound like he's thinking and feeling to you? I would really like to keep seeing him. 

Thank you so much in advance. 

Ah... I don't know. This is such a non-issue. I'm concerned that these little misunderstandings would occupy too big a chunk of your relationship as time progresses. A conversation like this should not be enough to throw either of you off and second-guess things so much.

I feel as though when we're dating someone new, there's always a period when we're unsure of the other person's intentions and the fear of losing them manifests itself more often. At some point we realize the other person is actually willing to stick around and that's when we get to be more of ourselves and worry less about silly stuff like this.

If you both managed to get there, I think it could work because these non-issues would come up way less. But getting there is tough when the two are so scarred and afraid everything means the worst it could mean.

Either way, you've explained yourself multiple times and that last message was as good as it could get. If he doesn't want to reply or try further, then you've done what you could do. Don't dismiss the possibility of you two getting together, but try to move past it while you wait, because there's a real likelihood you won't see more of him at this point.

Eryx wrote:I feel as though when we're dating someone new, there's always a period when we're unsure of the other person's intentions and the fear of losing them manifests itself more often. At some point we realize the other person is actually willing to stick around and that's when we get to be more of ourselves and worry less about silly stuff like this.

If you both managed to get there, I think it could work because these non-issues would come up way less. But getting there is tough when the two are so scarred and afraid everything means the worst it could mean.

Thanks for the reply. This is exactly what I would have told him if I'd been given the chance to actually discuss it properly. I only had those thoughts because it's in these early stages (especially just after sleeping with them) that guys disappear. Once I'm past that major hurdle and he sticks around, my anxieties decrease massively.

But yeah, it was a massive overreaction on his part really, especially considering he's said similar things to me before. I just didn't run away for a week when he said them - I told him he was being stupid and just carried on haha.

Makes me wonder though if maybe there was something to my gut feeling. The way he immediately suggested it was because I'd found someone new and was looking for a "quick exit excuse like other guys have done" could easily be him projecting, and he was just jumping at the first opportunity to go ahead with it. The way I was made to feel so bad about it and like I was paranoid could just be because I've been manipulated to think that way again.

You're right though, it really is silly.

I don't think it necessarily means he was projecting, maybe he's just really defensive from a previous bad experience too. Either way, it's a problem that he tends to ghost you when things get more complicated or serious, and a likely indicative that he tends to resort to that when he feels insecure. At this point, and especially with your last message, I think you've made it pretty clear where you stand with him. If there's no reply, you have your answer.