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Long vent about being autistic and growing up in a homphobic household

Unread postPosted: 13 May 2021, 21:51
by GreenPlumber
Being gay is just a part of my life that I hate. I’ve been aware of my sexual orientation since the age of 13 and I’m now 22, but there’s just too much going on in my life because my family life makes me very uncomfortable. To give you some context, my parents have pretty traditional views and are against homosexuality. Yet, I live in Belgium, probably one of the most gay-friendly countries on Earth. I should mention that I was formally diagnosed as autistic at the age of 8. More specifically, Asperger’s syndrome, but apparently this terminology is not used anymore. This made my childhood pretty complicated. I saw a lot of therapists and psychologists for them to teach me how to act as neurotypical as I could. I was really weird as a child. I couldn’t understand irony, I was living in my bubble, had a lot of fits of temper, and did a lot of weird things. I also had difficulty in sports due to psychomotricity problems and I also had coordination problems. It’s never been that bad, but it was obvious I was different as a child, and I wanted to act like everyone else.

Now, if you see me in the street or even if you have a conversation with me, you won’t notice I’m autistic. I come across as neurotypical, can socialize very easily, and don’t really do things that would be considered weird by most people. That’s thanks to all the work I’ve done and to my desire to fit in with other people. I see no interest in acting “weird” again. The way I am now has become my true self. Of course, some little things remain. For example, I still have huge psychomotricity and coordination problems and I’m really slow. I can do most things on my own now, but I’ve been through a lot of difficulties. I only learned how to tie my shoes at 15 and I started to learn how to do housework(including cooking) only last year. The issue is that I’m still incredibly slow and due to my coordination problems, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to drive one day. I do sports though(I go swimming 2-3 times a week) but I’m still incredibly slow as compared to my peers. But if my parents hadn’t been there, I would probably have ended up in a psychiatric hospital, because when I was a little child, that’s where my school had suggested my parents to put me. But my father believed in me and refused to listen to those people. So, I’m thankful to my parents for having saved me from that fate.
However, now that I have grown up and I’m more resourceful, my parents still have a hard time processing it and I feel like they, in particular my father, still treat me like a 12-year-old child. Before the age of 18, I wasn’t even allowed to stay alone at home and when I go see friends my parents insist they must drive me around. This still holds up to this day and it’s really an annoyance because I can’t leave home without permission and they always have to know where I’m going. My father categorically refuses I take public transportation because he’s afraid I might get mugged. And since I can’t drive yet and probably will never be able to, I have no choice… Another problem it causes is that sometimes my parents don’t want to drive me around because they claim it makes them lose time. And every time I complain about that, they remind me that I should be grateful that they are here to drive me around and make my life easier. Of course, I’m happy they’re here to help me but… why must it be an obligation? At least, they left me alone for three weeks when I went to Japan, but it was exceptional I still wonder why they let me do so…. It doesn’t look like something they would do. I think my parents being that much behind my back is the main reason why I still haven’t dated anyone. Who would like to date a loser whose parents are always behind his back and furthermore, who is as slow as a slug?
Now, the problem with my father is that he has really outdated views. My granddad(thus, his father) raised him the harsh way. I didn’t know my grandfather very well, since he passed away when I was three, but that’s what I’ve heard. My father has very specific ideas on what a man should do and shouldn’t do and about what women should and shouldn’t do. To him, a woman should look after her children and her husband and do the housework, while a man should go to work and earn money. Needless to say, he has a very patriarchal view of society and thinks the man holds a high position of power within his family. Alas, that’s the way he was raised… my grandfather would have blown a fuse if he had seen him or one of his brothers, trying to cook or to wash the dishes. He’s accepted that I learn to cook because he says it can come in handy if I live alone. However, it’s still a womanly thing to do in his opinion.
He has implied a couple of times that I was not manly because I liked to cook and he calls men who cook on TV “faggots”.
Of course, since my mother is his wife, she has to look after me and do all the housework. He’s very demanding towards her and if a shirt is not ironed on time or if he doesn’t like what he finds on his plate, he’s going to be pissed off and blow a fuse and when I say blow a fuse, I really mean that he gets really mad. Plus he’s really possessive towards her to a point that disgusts me, but the problem is that my mom accepts it, because she claims there’s more positive than negative.
I don’t really like the way he treats my mother at times. I can think of two episodes that particularly shocked me. A few years ago, I wanted to go to the swimming pool but my dad never had time to go with me, so my mother went with me and when we came back, my dad got mad because he was jealous and said he was sure people checked out my mom in her swimsuit. Another time, my mother found out that he had cheated on her, but he was denying it all along and even hit her. They were on the verge of breaking up that time, so he told her that if they were to break up, he would make a hell out of her life. He instantly regretted everything he had done, but he had still done it. Also when I was a child and I played board games with my mom when he wasn’t here, when he came back and found us playing he was always acting jealous.
He’s also a grumpy kind of guy. Everything bothers him… When I was a child, I wasn’t even allowed to eat cereal for breakfast, because he claimed he couldn’t stand the noise, so he told me once to heat them so that they become softer, but when I did, he still managed to complain of the noise of my spoon touching the bowl. You can’t even make the slightest noise when he’s present… whether it’s chewing, washing the dishes, crumple a paper, etc…. He’s also insufferable as far as food is concerned. He refuses to taste new things and eats a very limited amount of things and as time passes he starts to hate more and more things that he enjoyed before, so my mother doesn’t know what to cook him anymore. And when we eat something he doesn’t like, he doesn’t hesitate to remind us that it’s “shit”. Needless to say that according to him, all games I play and all shows I watch are stupid.
Knowing about his outdated views and his bad temper, it might not be hard to understand why I’m afraid of coming out to him, but that’s not all. In addition to being sexist, he’s also racist and homophobic. He always makes fun of gay people, is always disgusted when he sees gay guys on TV, is convinced that homosexuality is a mental illness, and thinks all gay men act flamboyant. He also thinks being gay is ridiculous.
And of course, since he thinks being the father of the household gives him special powers, he wants to make all decisions for me and I can’t even try to defy his authority. And he made some decisions for me that I deeply regret. I’m going to give you an example. I’m studying in a translation-interpretation faculty from English and Russian to French(my mother-tongue). I have this pair of languages(English-Russian) because he decided so. I wanted to pick English and Spanish but he didn’t want me to, because all he could see was that Russian was more likely to get me more money than Spanish. The problem is that I wasn’t seeing myself(and still don’t btw) working with Russian my whole life. It’s not a language I dislike, I even like it to some extent, but it’s far from being THE language I want to specialize in. If Japanese was available at my faculty, I would have taken it, but alas… it’s not. Since these studies are supposed to last for 5 years, because of him, I've been doomed to spend 5 years studying something I didn’t really want to study in the first place(Fortunately, I’m already near the end of the 3rd year). And next year, since I will start my master’s degree, I’ll have to choose a branch, either translation or interpretation. And he finally accepted that I was going to pick translation but we had to fight a lot… For almost 2 years, he wanted to force me to choose interpretation while I suck at taking notes and all of it just because I’m good at languages… Being a good polyglot doesn’t necessarily mean you’d do a great translator or interpreter… The problem is that the only thing he sees is the money I could earn, rather than simply thinking about what would make me happy. He thinks too much about money. He always tells me that the only thing he wants is for me to be happy and he certainly means it, but he’s by far the main cause of my trauma and my depression. Another example was that he said he was going to let me live alone near the university in my third year. I was really happy but the thing is that he wants to buy me a house. He has a lot of requirements but wants the house to be cheap and it’s impossible to find a house that is cheap enough and that fulfills all his expectations. Because he wants something with three bedrooms, that’s less than 1km away from campus(because he doesn’t want me to catch the bus). He could simply rent one of those cheap studios for students that everyone has… I had to convince him of doing that so he finally resigned, but we had to fight… once again for a long time. It gets really exhausting. Now hear me out, I know having a house is better than having a studio but when your standards are not realistic enough, that’s not going to happen… Because I’m only here for five years and there is only 1, 5 years left. And I think that having a place to live without my parents would be a great way to become more independent, live my own way and maybe explore my sexuality.
The problem is that when you disagree with him. He will get aggressive, shout and threaten you. He always that he’s the father and that things in the house should go the way he intended them to go and I should treat him with respect and not measure him. When he gets angry, he’s so scary that you don’t dare say anything. He has never beat me, but that’s probably because as soon as he starts shouting I simply close my mouth and listen to him, because I’m afraid. I always try to obey or not to get discovered when I disobey, because I’m afraid. He scares me, but he confuses my fear of what he could do with “respect towards him”. I’m sure that if I said what I really think he would become violent… For some reason, he intimidates me a lot and I’m sure he left a trauma in me. I even have a lot of weird nightmares in which he shouts at me for no reason. Even my friends say that he’s intimidating and looks like a bodyguard or a military. My mother also says I shouldn’t provoke him because he’s most likely crazy.
You might suggest I report his behavior or go away from home, but then, why do I do? I have nowhere to go. And am I resourceful enough to be on my own with no one to count on? Sounds like a bad idea!
My mother has always been more understanding, tolerant, and patient than him, but she’s also making a hell out of my life from time to time. Indeed, she found out I was gay when I was 14 and said horrible things to me back then: she said that I was a pervert, a whore, etc…. That I was too manly to be gay… shit like that…. And even that I was going to get AIDS. Well, you might think that with time she finally accepted me… It’s been 8 years, after all. But, unfortunately, it’s far from being the case. She seems to deny my sexuality. She says that I shouldn’t be out to anyone and that I shouldn’t have children because it’s ridiculous for a child to be raised by two men(this happened less than a year ago). So, I looked at her in an upset way and she simply replied: “What’s your problem? It’s not my fault if you’re a faggot”…. And she keeps making fun of gay people as well. So naturally, every time I do things that are related to homosexuality, I hide them from her(like posting in this community), but then she says I’ve acted more distant since the age of 14 and that I hide everything from her(she’s upset because I don’t let her look at my phone screen).
In short, my family life drives me crazy and I can’t stand being gay in those conditions. It’s like I have to live a double life and can’t be my true self at home(whether it’s about my sexuality or other things since my father wants to decide everything in my stead). All of it is getting me really depressed. I feel like a loser who can’t even live in a normal family, pursue the career he wants and find a partner… I really feel worthless….

[Deleted]

Unread postPosted: 20 May 2021, 10:34
by SerenaDjokovic
PostThis post was deleted by René on 20 May 2021, 12:51.
Reason: Spam

Re: Long vent about being autistic and growing up in a homphobic house

Unread postPosted: 20 May 2021, 12:37
by GreenPlumber
Lol... you commented the exact same thing on the exact same post on another forum... It's not relevant at all...
Who are you and what do you want? Just leave me alone, already