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My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 19 May 2021, 03:55
by mtndewslut
Hello all! I've been searching far and wide for somewhere to get this off my chest more than anything,

I (17F) have been in a fairly serious relationship with my first girlfriend (17F as well)for almost 2 years. I love her dearly and can see my whole life with her, but there's a major issues surrounding our relationship: She's out, and I am not. She is very out and proud, and while im out to selected friends, it is currently not safe for me to come out fully. My dad is extremely homophobic and has openly stated that if my brother or I were gay that he would kick us out of the house and never speak to us again. We both go to a very southern, trashy high school as well. I am genuinely scared for my life as a young lesbian, so here's my problem.. My girlfriend keeps outing me, even after I have asked her timelessly to stop. She has outed me to all of her friends, all of her family, and even my own friends and I am scared. I have expressed to her the danger I will be put in if word were to get around, but not only that, I should be allowed to come out in my own time and this really rubs me the wrong way. When I try to get through and ask her to please cut back on PDA and talking to her family and peers about me, she cries and turns it around and makes me believe its all my fault. She gets angry when I tell her im not comfortable with little things like going to prom. I feel manipulated and like my own feelings and terror isn't valid all because she wants to force me out of the closet. Any and all advice would help tremendously. Thank you:)

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 19 May 2021, 05:46
by Eos
I guess it is a difficult situation for you both. But she should respect what you want concerning this, it is your decision. It's your life.

Sadly I don't see much you can do. I'm sure you're looking forward to be able to live without your parents, but you obviously can't do this while studying.

However 2 years with the person you love, and still having to hide must be a difficult situation for her as well. I guess that's her way of dealing with this.

Maybe you could talk to a counselor about this ? Or find some associations that helps concerning LGBT issues ?

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 19 May 2021, 06:23
by René
What's a little thing to you may be a big thing to her. Still, the anger you talk about sounds like she lacks empathy in a major way. She probably has a lot of growing up to do. There may also be mental health issues at play.


Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 24 May 2021, 04:20
by Jryski
If they out you, they need to be gone. Period

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 24 May 2021, 05:53
by betonhaus
It sounds to me that she doesn't see your situation that same way you do, and doesn't see it as serious. I honestly don't know how best to approach that situation, and you're young enough that you problably don't have enough life experience to recognize the actions. I think you might want to issue an ultimatum of no dating until you're self sufficient away from your family, both to protect yourself and her. It sounds to me that she might be learning to rely on crying and emotional outbursts to get her way, which is extremely unhealthy and would lead to a toxic relationship. If she doesn't take your concerns seriously then forcing the ultimatum may help her start recognizing that other people have priorities outside of supporting her.

Admittedly I'm biased against young love so im not really able to consider this relationship to be long term, so that my advice with that in consideration.

Do you think that she uses her emotions to get her way? Do you feel aweful if you get her upset because you wanted to do something minor that was kinda important to you?

Do you have an exit strategy for your family? A place to live and work and be on your own once you have graduated? Possibly other family or friends, or with her?

If you do end up getting outed to your parents is it possible they will still give you some support with conditions, like as long as you do not date and you do go to church? It would be hell until you could stand on your own feet, but better then being homeless and penniless.

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 24 May 2021, 16:53
by Petite
Your best course is to laugh it off as a joke or claim that she's crazy so your parents/friends don't take her serious. If you go the other way like cut her off or dump her it will only get worse i.e. she'll put even more effort into trying to out you as a revenge tactic.

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 30 May 2021, 21:57
by Eryx
Not girlfriend material. And the worst thing is she can do damage if you break up. I hate this situation, and I'm sorry. Have faith that these things pass and you'll have better, easier times when you can do things on your own.

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 4 June 2021, 10:22
by PopTart
While Mtndewslut hasn't been back in a while, and thus, any advice is likely just pissing in the wind, I thought I'd offer a counterpoint to the denouncements of this, undoubtedly lovely girl, why else would she be so dearly loved and so much cherished, if she were a skeeze bag?

In your place, I'd be asking myself, what it might be like for my girlfriend of two years, to still want to treat me and our relationship together, as a secret? Because chances are, this is something your girlfriend might well be thinking and feeling.

Being in a loving romantic relationship, is one of those things, that many people, want to shout about. They want to share this wonderful thing and indeed, this wonderful person, with all the important people in their lives. It might actually be very upsetting and painful for your girlfriend, to exist in a purgatorial limbo, while you work up the courage to face down, an undoubtedly terrifying prospect, that you will inevitably have to deal with someday anyway, but hesitate in doing so.

Everyone should have the right to decide when they come out, particularly to their own family who may not recieve that information, positively. There is no doubting that.

But you are no longer in this situation alone and for two years, it seems your girlfriend has demonstrated patience and understanding with you circumstances. But how long do you expect her to arrest her life, for the sake of your fear and hesistation?

It sounds like she has shared her relationship with you, with the people that are important to her. It doesn't sound like she has outed you to your own family and I'm presuming your homophobic family members don't know her, since she is openly gay and that alone would present a challenge.

Could this be a case, of a degree of hesistation on your part, to come at all, to anyone and the extremely homophobic father, is merely a convenient excuse to stay firmly in the closet? Which is not to suggest your concerns are without good cause, but perhaps, your own fear is preventing you from living the life you really deserve to live. Which ofcourse, would be fine. But your also preventing this woman, you supposedly love, from living hers too. Is that fair? How long should she be kept a dirty little secret?

You need to talk to eachother and I would suggest, some reflection on both your parts, because as things stand, it seems likely, that the two of you are in too different a place in your acceptance and expression of your sexuality, to actually make a relationship work right now, no matter how much you love one another.

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 4 June 2021, 13:48
by René
^ Great to see you, James :awesome:

And yeah, that's kinda what I tried to say :heart:

Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 4 June 2021, 16:58
by PopTart
Hey René :keke:

Thank you.

And I'm gonna confess, I actually missed your reply :lol:

You need to be more verbose. :D Lots of superfluous words, overly and needlessly complex sentence structures. Throw in some rambling and the occasional digression from the point your trying to make... maybe... wait, what was the point I was making??


Re: My partner is outing me.

Unread postPosted: 4 June 2021, 17:55
by René