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To give up on my marriage?

Unread postPosted: 16 September 2021, 22:39
by acatnamedfelix
As the title states, I am unsure of whether or not to give up on my marriage? (I am a gay man.)
I must state that I don’t WANT to. But things have not been good for a while.
I love my husband very very much, and we have been married for 3 years, and together on and off since we were freshmen in high school! (We broke up a few times back then for ridiculous teenage reasons, and dated other guys, so it isn’t like we have never experienced anyone else/other relationships), but ultimately we always found our way back to one another. We have always been very much in love, and have made it very clear that we still are.

Some things have happened recently, both in our separate personal lives (family bereavements, I was involved in an accident after being run down by a car, and am still healing from multiple injuries - head, back and leg - and am learning to walk again).
I have also got some memory loss from this accident, and have ‘lost’ approximately 3-4 weeks of my life that I cannot remember from before the accident occurred and of course the accident itself happening.
Anyway… I have been incredibly depressed, and I am currently receiving treatment for this, too, in the form of medication and therapy.
When things started to go sour, husband and I agreed to pursue marriage counselling.
We are still doing this.
Some days, things are really good, and we seem to be finally moving forward, but then something will happen/one of us will say something which upsets the other one of us, and it’s like two steps backwards all over again.
Today, he said something which hurt me deeply, even though he didn’t mean it as it sounded.
I mentioned a desire to renew our vows once things were better for us both (and I made it clear that I meant in maybe a year or more. Obviously not now or any time soon!), because it would be meaningful, and I thought it would be a positive step forward for us.
But he pretty much said no, which is fine. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to.
But he also said that if we were not currently married at the moment, and were just dating, and I’d proposed, he wouldn’t say yes.
Obviously that cut me pretty deeply and made me feel rejected and hurt. He says he only meant “not now”, but I had already made it clear that I did not want to renew any time soon; but once we had gotten over our issues!
He said he absolutely wants to stay together, and has no intention of divorcing me, but since he said that, I cannot help but think he is just saying these things so as not to hurt me more. I asked if he wants to break up with me then, and he said absolutely not.
Neither of us have been completely innocent in this lately, but I thought we were working together really well, working through things.
But his comment cut me like a knife and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Now I’m left wondering if I should just call it a day on our relationship and walk away to spare myself and him any more pain, or if we should continue as we are?
Part of me now wonders if we are just prolonging the pain/inevitable here?
I really don’t know.
All I know is that I love him, but is it enough any more?

Thanks for reading.
Sorry this is so long.

Re: To give up on my marriage?

Unread postPosted: 18 September 2021, 01:55
by pozzie
it's really close to impossible for me to say one way or the other what you should do - well, other than allowing therapy to play out and of course continue healing up from the accident. The one thing I'm confident in saying is there might be other ways to read a statement like "But he also said that if we were not currently married at the moment, and were just dating, and I’d proposed, he wouldn’t say yes." I'm not saying you're wrong in your reaction, just that given the context it might have been meant somewhat differently. Hard to say for certain though. I would recommend discussing such a statement in your couple's therapy where there is context and hopefully your therapist can help you guys work through it and more fully understand it.

At some point you'll really feel inside what you want to do. These type of questions can only be answered by the two of you. Like most relationships, you have both good and bad times, you'll just have to give this some time to see what feels like the right way forward.

Re: To give up on my marriage?

Unread postPosted: 24 September 2021, 18:42
by NobodySpecial
To be honest, I don't understand your problem that well even from all that you wrote. You say you both love each other. You both agreed to counseling. All that sounds wonderful. Then you mention you both had events happen including your accident. What I don't understand is you didn't mention about how he behaved during your accident and on going recovery. It sounds like what you had was VERY serious. Was he attentive and caring to you through this entire time? If so, I think it would be a tragedy to break up.

Note, I almost died 3 years ago from West Nile. I was in the hospital for 5 weeks. My partner was there through everything. He took short term leave of absence and there wasn't a single day that he wasn't in the hospital. He had to go home to take care of our animals (both pets and farm animals), to sleep, and take care of general stuff. Otherwise, he was with me. He cried when I finally came out of sedation. While I always knew he loved me before all that, his devotion during this crisis even took me by surprise. Not that I doubted him personally, but that I doubted that another man had that much love to give. That was just a few days before our 15 years together. I fell in love with him all over again, and knew in my heart that after that there wasn't a damn thing that I would ever have doubts that he was the one and ONLY for me. He is my earthly angel.

Again, I only bring my "stuff" up to give you a perspective of where I'm coming from.

You are SO young. (I'm 61.) I mention that because you will survive whatever you end up doing as you have so much time ahead of you.

I just find it very difficult to fathom why you would want to make such changing decisions when you say you are VERY depressed. When one is depressed, that is the VERY WORST time to make major life decisions. Also you haven't mentioned anything major he has done wrong. Most of your stuff you mentioned is misunderstandings. Don't get me wrong, in my relationship we have our ups and downs, but I would NEVER give up on my better half. Most of our crappy arguments are petty when I look back in hindsight. It is human nature to have doubts, but I would never break up over misunderstandings. We have been together 18 years as of Labor Day. We have never married (long complicated story), but in my heart we are, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Re: To give up on my marriage?

Unread postPosted: 26 October 2021, 20:01
by jaredjoy90
How long have you felt this way? If its been long, maybe you should just get divorced and get it over with.