Gay Forum

I am interested in opening up our marriage. I love my husband and still want to be with him, he is my best friend, but our sex life is none existent. Originally it was because of me, I just wasn’t interested in sex, but it was really because of him. I am not attracted to him any more. I have a kinky side I’d like to explore and I don’t want to want to with my husband. In the past I have brought up things I wanted to try and he was not receptive and kinda made fun of me, which just shut me down. I never talked to him about things I like again. That was 7 years ago.

We have a large age difference I am 42 and he is 66. He’s also getting ready to retire and I have many more years of work to go. I am finically stable. I have good career and I’ll never be without work. I am getting more active in my life, call it a midlife crisis, but I want to find people that have the same interests in me. The actives I am interested, like hiking, in he would not be able to do due to the fact he has a physical disability that will not allow him to do it safely.

So with open relationship I want to be able to explore my sexually interests. I know I have to talk to him about it and I have to be prepared for his response of either go for it or he says he doesn’t want to do it.

I'm confused, are you looking for advice of some sort? Because I'm not really seeing a question in your post, which leaves me quite unsure of what, if anything, I might say in response.

This is why I should have turned the TV off while I was writing the post. I just reread my post and man is that a jumbled mess.

Yes, I am looking for advice.

Ultimately I know what I need to do, just talk to him and go from there.

Paddrick wrote:This is why I should have turned the TV off while I was writing the post. I just reread my post and man is that a jumbled mess.

Yes, I am looking for advice.

Ultimately I know what I need to do, just talk to him and go from there.

Yes, obviously you're going to need to talk to him about it. But regardless of his response to the idea of an open marriage, you should still be perfectly within your rights if you decide to try to find people who share the same interests as you (outside of sex, I mean). It sounds like your husband's lack of interest in kinkier stuff is only part of the problem. So, again, I'd recommend going ahead and trying to join a hiking group or something, regardless of what your husband says about the open marriage idea.

As to how to approach discussing the issue with him, I've little advice to give beyond that you be honest (of course!) and try your best to communicate how the lack of physical and sexual activity has been making you feel. I mean, I'd hope and presume that he would care about your feelings, about your being unhappy with the way things are. And if, as you've said, he is your best friend, then I'd imagine he would be understanding (even if he doesn't agree to it). More than just that, if he's your best friend, then while it may seem hard to initiate this conversation, I can't really see how it could end terribly for the two of you. The worst that could happen in my mind, it seems, is that he says he's not comfortable with it. And even then, that stills leaves you with the option to pursue other friendships, with people who share many of the interests which your husband does not.

I don't know if any of this will help, but it's the best I can think of at the moment!

Oh, woe is you. You poor thing.

Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too! You just have to vomit it or shit it back onto the platter every time.

Brenden wrote:Oh, woe is you. You poor thing.

Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too! You just have to vomit it or shit it back onto the platter every time.

This reminds me of an amusing passage from G. Lowes Dickinson's biography of McTaggart. Someone was telling McTaggart of how their mutual friend always mocked her for wanting to have her cake and eat it too. To this McTaggart replied: "Oh, that's nothing! With a proper cake the more you eat it the bigger it gets!"

Brenden wrote:Oh, woe is you. You poor thing.

Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too! You just have to vomit it or shit it back onto the platter every time.

What was the point of your response? Was it just to be a dick? You are a perfect example of why I do not like these types of message boards.

Paddrick wrote:

Brenden wrote:Oh, woe is you. You poor thing.

Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too! You just have to vomit it or shit it back onto the platter every time.

What was the point of your response? Was it just to be a dick? You are a perfect example of why I do not like these types of message boards.

Well, I honestly rather doubt that Brenden ultimately said what he did purely out of a wish to attack you personally. I don't wish to explain why I suspect this may be the case; because out of a sense that it is not my place to describe the personal sentiments and thoughts of another, I feel that to give my reasons here would be inappropriate. Yet, it remains that I don't think he truly said what he did simply out of a desire to cause you emotional harm or distress; but instead, out of another motivation of one kind or another, which has very little to do with you as a person.

To be clear, however, I by no means say this in an attempt to excuse Brenden's comment; but rather, I say this only in the hope that it shall ease (even if not completely alleviate) any distress you may feel at his words (presuming you feel any such distress at all).