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Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 00:00
by Bluefish
Hey. Just wanted to make a post here at the encouragement of a friend, who I'm grateful for. But I feel like I need any advice I can get.

So I'm a massive introvert, who makes the usual introverts look like the life and soul of the party. And I'd like to find a serious relationship.

I'm in therapy, and have been recommended groups to help me with confidence and making friends, but honestly with my work schedule it's hard. I find it easier talking 1-1 so in theory apps are better for me, but there's things holding me back.

I'd like to join tinder, but the only good photos I have are mirror selfies. I don't want to go out and do some kind of photoshoot, partly because I don't want to look too posed. But apparently only having one photo up won't cut it.

Also, I'm kind of stuck as to what to put for my bio. I mean, I could probably come up with something. But when looking at others on reddit, my ideas for both a photo and an intro for my profile, as well as about myself in general, feel inadequate. I just feel tired all the time and not good enough, even though I try.

I guess I just want to get out there more, to make friends and hopefully date. I just feel like a defective human being and with my introversion, insomnia, work schedule and other issues it's hard to build up the usual photo library or come across as relatively normal to other people.

I just don't know how to get over these things. It's kind of wearing me down.

I know maybe I'm just asking for some harsh advice. That I should just try harder, or whatever. But anything constructive and kind would be so welcome right now.

I know I'm far from perfect, and that's an understatement. But despite how this reads, I'm trying so hard right now in every part of my life and have been for a long time. I just don't want to live my life alone anymore.

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 10:42
by McTaggartfan
Awwww. Well I wish you the best! I’ve no advice, since I’m not big on dating; but I still wish you well.

And to be fair, if you’re somehow defective, then goodness, I must be broken to the point of being irredeemable! :lol:

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 11:00
by Bluefish
Thank you :)

Sorry for my rambly message.

I guess this breaks down further into topics of mental illness etc. I come across so many people who say "just go for it", or "you're not helping myself" or on apps when I'm honest that I get a bit anxious, responses like "well just don't use the app then"

It's all good vibes, positivity etc which I agree are so important. But a whiff of you being boring, or not up to par, or something slightly wrong with you, and boom it's go away and don't come back until you're mentally better. But for me, my depression is a lifelong thing, I've tried everything. Positivity, just forcing myself to do things, three different types of medication for depression alone, so many different kinds of talking therapy. But I've been like I am all my life, and it's so disheartening when even dating, let alone casual things, is such a game. One wrong move, wrong first impression, and hey it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I've had to reject people and protect myself too. I hate it, but obviously I'm not for everyone just like not everyone's for me.

But there's so much apparent cruelty out there in terms of those little interactions, that people don't even realise they're perpetuating. Sometimes advice is harmful, sometimes a bit of acceptance and communication in a world obsessed with the next quick fix is excruciating to go through as somebody like me.

I could go on and on and on. No doubt I'd say a lot more things people could just tell me to get over, or be more positive about, or stop whining about.

But I feel this, so I'm going to say how I feel.

Edit: and yeah I've also tried so much self help. Walking, exercising in general, reading, doing courses, talking to different kinds of people, eating healthy, so many things.

So to be blamed for the state I'm in, well it makes me want to use the kind of language that definitely wouldn't be appropriate in a public post

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 13:05
by McTaggartfan
Bluefish wrote:Thank you :)

Sorry for my rambly message.

I guess this breaks down further into topics of mental illness etc. I come across so many people who say "just go for it", or "you're not helping myself" or on apps when I'm honest that I get a bit anxious, responses like "well just don't use the app then"

It's all good vibes, positivity etc which I agree are so important. But a whiff of you being boring, or not up to par, or something slightly wrong with you, and boom it's go away and don't come back until you're mentally better. But for me, my depression is a lifelong thing, I've tried everything. Positivity, just forcing myself to do things, three different types of medication for depression alone, so many different kinds of talking therapy. But I've been like I am all my life, and it's so disheartening when even dating, let alone casual things, is such a game. One wrong move, wrong first impression, and hey it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I've had to reject people and protect myself too. I hate it, but obviously I'm not for everyone just like not everyone's for me.

But there's so much apparent cruelty out there in terms of those little interactions, that people don't even realise they're perpetuating. Sometimes advice is harmful, sometimes a bit of acceptance and communication in a world obsessed with the next quick fix is excruciating to go through as somebody like me.

I could go on and on and on. No doubt I'd say a lot more things people could just tell me to get over, or be more positive about, or stop whining about.

But I feel this, so I'm going to say how I feel.

Edit: and yeah I've also tried so much self help. Walking, exercising in general, reading, doing courses, talking to different kinds of people, eating healthy, so many things.

So to be blamed for the state I'm in, well it makes me want to use the kind of language that definitely wouldn't be appropriate in a public post


My dear, dear Bluefish: all of this just shows the nonsense of other people, and it says little to nothing about you.

I too suffer from depression and anxiety, both of which show themselves to be more or less treatment-resistant. It's a serious pain and I can't tell you how many times people have subtly blamed me for it. I swear, if one more person suggests "a bit of sunshine" or some yoga to me, I might just lose my cool and scream at them to stfu.

One thing I can say is that I've learned how to trust myself when I say I'm doing the best I can, and to not doubt so much whether I'm making my mental illnesses up. I know what I can do and what I can't, and anyone who says otherwise at this point simply doesn't know what they're talking about. Back before I learned how to trust myself though, the words of other people would really get to me; when I was depressed, sometimes they would lead to a bunch of self-harm, because I blamed myself for not doing more—I even told myself that somehow I was to blame for the treatments not working as well as they do for other people. I began to hate myself even more. So yeah, I'm glad I can trust myself more now.

The "positivity" culture among today's younger generations is, by and large, a bunch of nonsense. I'd recommend you pay little attention to those who embrace it, because such people tend to only be hiding their negativity under the surface. Indeed, it seems to have come out with them interacting with you, when they abandon conversation with you the instant they see you're not perfect. (Ha! As though they're such prized gems themselves!) Not just that, but excessive emphasis on positivity usually leads to invalidation of the negative feelings of others.

I've no advice to ultimately give you aside from that you need to just trust yourself when you say as you have in your post. You know what's true about your mental illnesses and what isn't; so don't let other people convince you they know better than you, or else that you're somehow at fault despite doing everything you possibly can.

I hope things end up going well, if you do decide to continue with the onerous project of dating. :keke: :hug: :keke:

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 15:23
by Bluefish
Thank you, again :)

I know I'm far from perfect, and this thread was originally meant to be me asking for tips on dating etc rather than a bit of a vent. But I guess I wanted to get this stuff out.

It's not completely treatment resistant in my case, but there are some things I've tried that just don't work for me. And there's definitely a lot of blame I've felt for that over the years. I'm sorry you've experienced something similar too.

I do trust myself more. Things are still tough, especially when people say I shouldn't compare myself to others, I should spend time on myself, and be happy alone and things will apparently naturally happen. But I know that's not necessarily true. On the one hand, sure, I don't want to bring anyone else down or be a burden to them. But on the other, I'm trying my best every single day, so why shouldn't I deserve some kind of companionship, affection and support at the end of the day too? I know the answer isn't black and white, but I'm tired of people's responses to the way I am being so harsh straight off the bat,

Not everyone is like this. But it does significantly affect the quality of my life, for sure.

I do understand that though. I tend to confront negativity to a degree that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Which isn't a particularly good thing. But I don't think ignoring negativity exists and hiding from it completely is healthy either.

Thank you for your kind words though. I do want to date, my work schedule is demoralising and exhausting for me personally, although many people work harder and more, and I'm so so shy and anxious. But I do want to give things a go.

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 21:18
by colby100
Sorry I can't help. I have the same issues but I hope that you get the help your seeking and that things become easier for you.

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 22:13
by Bluefish
colby100 wrote:Sorry I can't help. I have the same issues but I hope that you get the help your seeking and that things become easier for you.


Thank you :hug:

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 7 August 2022, 22:43
by PopTart
Babe, you're gonna compare yourself to others, we all do it. We will all inevitably come up short too. Because unless your supremely confident, there is always going to be some one you find better than yourself.

This is compounded for gay people. Because those to whom we compare ourselves, are also the objects of our affection. It can be quite common for most gay men, to feel inadequate in a physical sense, in comparison to that person they truly desire. Because, obviously that person is so damn hot and gorgeous and how many gay men really believe that of themselves? Not as many as would claim it to be so.

I guess the secret is in learning acceptance. Accepting yourself but also, learning to accept that someone else might see in you, something you can't or won't, see in yourself. Trusting that can be difficult.

As to the rest. Someone told me, that to get better at taking pictures you should find those pictures you like of other people, be it a particular pose or a specific angle, some kind of lighting or a locale or activity being engaged in... and seek to copy that style. Some you'll fail to pull off, but chances are you'll get a photo or two that you might like or at the very least, seem serviceable.

From there, be honest. We've spoken often and the times I've enjoyed speaking to you most, are probably those times you aren't trying to be any kind of way or a specific sort of thing.

Take our last chat, despite being in a dark place, you allowed yourself to express a dark humour all your own, that was actually very endearing and entertaining. You didn't feel the need to hide how you felt, under a bushel, you just had to find a way to express it, such that it wasn't so heavy to share with someone else. Which has sometimes been an impediment to sharing your burdens with others for you.

Though you may not feel like it, you have grown and you are growing. It's a long and winding path and yours seems often to divert into the thicket, brambles and thorns aplenty. But you do and will continue to emerge on the other side, sometimes with a story to tell and sometimes with a few cuts and scrapes. But your moving forward.

Forget positivity, it's momentum that matters most.

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 9 August 2022, 23:43
by Bluefish
Thank you :)

That's really true to be honest, about the comparisons. I don't compare myself to you so much, because you've been kind to me and we've talked so many things through. But it's far easier to compare myself to others, the less reassuring, more mysterious people out there. People like you know who.

I'm trying so hard to accept myself as I am. With all the insecurities I have it's hard. I'm the quiet, shy type, and all my life I've been taught I'm fundamentally broken. Even though I have good people in my life now like you and others, it's hard to shake a lifetime of that sort of programming and just learn to be me.

To be honest, photos I can manage. I mean I'm never going to take or want to take amazing staged ones anyway. Maybe a couple of selfies or something, I'm okay with those. It's more the confidence in actually posting them. Especially since both my jobs are public facing roles, one in a supermarket very local to where I live, and I mean you of all people know I kind of stand out in a crowd. Not in a good or bad way, but I do, and you know how I mean :P

I'm happy you think those things of me though. It's nice to hear that letting those things out didn't drive you further away as a friend or make you think of me as a lesser person. I'm getting there, I should trust in the opinions of people that matter, like yours, over strangers who haven't even bothered to get to know me.

And I'm trying. I'm exhausted, scared, often pretty depressed and lonely as always. But by heck am I trying.

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 10 August 2022, 03:12
by ron26
I can tell you there's forums that deal with exactly that. The sort of mental/emotional problems you're describing and how to overcome them so you can begin dating normally and without stress.

I recommend reading the article in the link below. (Ignore the hetero theme of the site...the info is still useful)
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how- ... c_how_to=1

Re: Stuck

Unread postPosted: 11 August 2022, 00:30
by Bluefish
ron26 wrote:I can tell you there's forums that deal with exactly that. The sort of mental/emotional problems you're describing and how to overcome them so you can begin dating normally and without stress.

I recommend reading the article in the link below. (Ignore the hetero theme of the site...the info is still useful)
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how- ... c_how_to=1


Thank you